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/Mel  i  le  '^re^O-i^ 


PREFACE. 


Guess  this  Riddle  1 


Is  sometliing  tliat  we,  doubtless,  have 
not  always  been  able  to  do  when 
requested.  It  has  often  puzzled  the 
wisest  of  us  to  make  out 
simple  riddles. 
Trifling  as  these  exei- 
cises  for  ingenuity  may  be  considered,  wise  men  have 
not  thought  it  an  unworthy  use  of  their  time  and 
talents  to  solve  them. 

Riddles  have  always  been  popular  in  all  countries, 
and  if  we  can  add  to  the  amusement  and  enjojrment  of 
those  who  may  use  this  little  book,  our  object  shall  be 
accomplished. 
It  has  been  thought  best  to  give  the  answer  to  every 


4 


question  so  that  any  attentive  reader  will  not  find  it 
necessary  to  exclaim; 


FIFTEEN  HUNDRED  "^^4 
KIBBLES  AND  CONUNDRUMS. 


Why  are  birds  very  much  depressed  early  in  a 
Summer's  morning?  Because  their  little  bills  are 
all  over  due. 

Can  you  tell  me  v/hy 
The  deceitful  eye 
Can  better  decry, 
Than  you  or  I, 
On  how  many  toes 
A  pussy  cat  goes? 
The  eye  of  deceit 

Can  best  count  her  feet  (counterfeit)  : 

And  so,  I  suppose, 

Can  best  count  her  toes. 

Why  is  an  old  man's  house  always  easy  to 
enter?  Because  his  gate  is  broken  and  his  locks 
are  few. 

What  does  a  pig  do  when  it  loses  its  home  ?  It 
ties  a  knot  in  its  tail  and  calls  it  a  pig  sty. 

Why  is  a  dog's  tail  like  an  old  man?  Because 
it  is  infirm. 

What  is  worse  than  raining  cats  and  dogs? 
Hailing  omnibuses. 

How  does  a  goose  resemble  a  cow's  tail?  Both 
grow  down. 

What  is  the  first  thing  that  goes  into  a  boot? 
The  last.    Why?    Because  the  last  shall  be  first. 


<5  CONUNDRUMS. 

When  is  a  pig  heavier  than  a  pig?   When  it  is  led 

If  all  the  women  went  to  China  where  would  all  the 
Ifien  go  ?    To  Pekin  (peek  in). 

What  city  is  like  an  habitual  drunkard  ?  Berlin.  It 
s  always  on  a  Spree. 

Which  is  the  coolest  seat  in  an  omnibus?  The  one 
next  to  the  pole. 

Why  is  paper  money  more  valuable  than  gold  ?  Be- 
cause when  you  put  it  in  your  pocket  you  double  it, 
and  when  you  take  it  out  you  find  it  still  /«creases. 

Who  killed  the  greatest  number  of  chickens  ?  Ham- 
let's uncle  "  did  murder  most  foul." 

Write  a  cipher, 
Prefix  fifty, 

To  the  right  place  five ; 

Then  add  one  fifth  of  eight. 

The  whole  will  be  the  sum  of  human  happiness. 

LOVE. 

What  newspapers  does  a  gentleman  desire  when  he 
kisses  a  lady?  No  Observers^  no  Spectators,  and  aS 
many  Times  as  he  pleases. 

Why  is  a  falling  star  like  a  fog  ?  One  is  missed  from 
heaven,  and  the  other  is  mist  from  earth. 

What  piece  of  carpentry  becomes  a  gem  as  soon  as 
finished  ?  A-gate. 

Why  is  a  cautious,  prudent  man  like  a  pin  ?  Be- 
cause his  head  prevents  him  from  going  too  far. 

Where  is  happiness  always  to  be  found  ?  In  the  dic- 
tionary. 

What  is  the  only  pain  of  which  every  one  makes 
li^ht?  Wmdow-pan§, 


CONUNDRUMS  7 

Why  is  a  naughty  boy  like  a  postage  stamp?  Be- 
cause both  need  a  little  licking  to  make  them  stick  to 
their  letters. 

Place  four  nines  so  as  to  equal  one  hundred  ?  99I. 
What  is  it  from  which  if  you  take  all  its  letters  it  re- 
mains the  same?   A  postman. 
For  what  was  Eve  made  ?   Adam's  express  company. 

There  was  a  man,  who  bought  a  thing, 
The  thing  he  bought,  he  did  not  want, 
The  man  who  sold  it,  could  not  use  it. 
The  man  who  used  it,  did  not  know  it. 

Coffin. 

What  chin  is  never  shaved  ?  Ur-chin. 

What  is  the  most  unequal  contest  mentioned  in  th© 
Bible?  When  a  little  mustard  seed  sprang  up  ana 
waxed  a  great  tree. 

When  did  Ruth  treat  Boaz  badly  ?  When  she  pullcrcj 
his  ears  and  trod  on  his  corn. 

When  does  love  become  a  pitched  battle  ?  When  it 
comes  to  an  engagement. 

What  is  that  which  the  more  it  is  cut  the  longei  it 
grows  ?    A  ditch. 

What  is  that  which  though  always  invisible,  is  neve^ 
out  of  sight  ?   The  letter  I. 

Why  are  washerwomen  unreasonaole  ?  Because  they 
expect  to  have  soft  water  when  it  rains  hard. 

Why  is  a  hen  supposed  to  be  immortal  ?  Because 
her  sun  (son)  nevc;r  sets. 

From  what  most  people  do  talk ;  take  nothing,  and 
leave  what  they  shou'i  talk.  7Vb;/-sense. 


s 


CONUNDRUMS, 


When  is  a  candle  like  a  tombstone  ?  When  it  is  put 
up  for  a  late  husband. 

Why  is  a  young  lady  who  has  just  left  boarding 
school  like  a  building  committee?  Because  she  is 
ready  to  receive  proposals. 

Why  is  a  sermon  like  a  kiss  ?  Because  it  needs  two 
heads  and  an  application. 

What  wind  do  we  naturally  look  for  after  Lent? 
An  Easter-ly  one. 

Why  is  a  pretty  girl  like  a  hinge  ?  Because  she  is 
something  to  a  door  (adore.) 

How  many  peas  (P's^  in  a  pint  ?  One. 

Why  is  a  dog's  tail  a  great  novelty  ?  Because  you 
never  saw  it  before. 

Why  is  a  sheet  of  postage  stamps  like  distant  rela- 
tives ?    Because  they  are  but  slightly  connected. 

Who  are  the  most  wicked  people  in  the  world,  and 
why  ?  Pen  makers.  Because  they  make  people  steel 
pens  and  tell  them  they  do  write  (right). 

Why  should  potatoes  grow  better  than  other  veget- 
ables ?  Because  they  have  eyes  to  see  what  they  are 
doing. 

Why  is  coal  the  most  contradictory  article  known  in 
^he  market  ?  Because  when  purchased  it  goes  to  the 
f,eUar  instead  of  the  buyer. 

When  are  potatoes  like  gate-posts  ?  When  they  are 
put  into  the  ground  to  prop-a-gate. 

Who  can  be  said  to  be  nobody's  child  ?  Joshua,  the 
son  of  Nun. 

Name  an  organ  without  a  stop.    The  human  tongu*?. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


9 


"Why  do  shoemakers  never  die?  Because  they  stick 
to  the  last. 

When  is  a  lady's  neck  not  a  neck  ?  When  it's  a  little 
bare  (bear). 

When  is  a  baby  not  a  baby  ?    When  it's  a  little  cross. 

When  is  a  nose  not  a  nose  ?  When  it's  a  little  red- 
dish (radish). 

What  leads  you  to  suppose  that  fleas  are  more  sub- 
ject to  madness  than  any  other  insect  or  animal }  Be- 
cause they  generally  die  cracked. 

What  is  it  that  must  stand  before  it  can  sit.^  A 
member  of  Congress. 

Why  is  a  child  with  a  bad  cold  like  a  snow-storm  ? 
Because  it  blows,  it  snows  (nose). 

Why  is  an  old  oak  tree  like  a  tight  shoe  ?  Because 
it  produces  a  corn. 

A  duck  before  two  ducks,  a  duck  behind  two  ducks, 
and  a  duck  between  two  ducks  ;  how  many  ducks  were 
there  in  all  ?  Three. 

If  a  person  suffering  from  hydrophobia  were  asked 
to  dcfcribe  the  symptoms  of  his  disorder,  what  sum- 
mer lainties  would  he  name?  Water-ices  (water  I 
sees)  \  ice-creams  (I  screams). 

What  strange  metamorphose  co  people  undertake 
every  night?    They  turn  into  bed. 

Bones,  why  are  you  like  a  beefsteak  ?  Because  you 
require  to  be  hauled  over  the  coals. 

What 's  the  effect  on  a  man  of  leading  a  woman  to 
the  alcsj  y    In  that  act  his  leadership  begins  and  ends 

Wh^  s  a  plant  like  a  pig  ?   When  il  roots. 


10 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  is  a  difficult  question?  The  minutes  relating 
to  an  affair  of  honor,  they  are  always  drawn  up  by  the 
seconds. 

Why  should  you  never  abuse  a  briefless  lawyer  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  decidedly  wrong  to  abuse  a  man  without  a 
cause. 

Why  does  a  woman  keep  a  secret  ?  It  is  pretty  sure 
to  be  with  telling  effect. 

When  is  an  author  like  a  ghost  ?  When  he  appears 
in  sheets. 

Why  should  pirates  be  thrown  into  the  sea  uncere- 
moniously ?    Because  they  are  sea  worthy. 

Why  may  stone  cutters  reasonably  believe  there  is 
no  such  thing  as  granite  ?    They  never  saw  it. 

Why  should  work  people  imitate  the  wind  ?  The 
wind  is  always  busy,  and,  like  a  cheerful  operator,  it 
whistles  at  its  work. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  man  averse  tc 
reckoning  and  an  old  woman  who  kissed  her  cow.^ 
First,  there  is  no  taste  for  reckoning,  and  in  the  second 
there  is  no  accounting  for  taste. 

Why  are  the  girls  of  America  conducive  to  specie 
payments  ?  Because  they  are  the  circulating  medium ; 
their  drafts  on  our  hearts  are  honored  at  sight,  and  are 
sure  to  introduce  small  change  among  the  masses. 

When  is  a  single  plough-share  most  valuable? 
When  it  is  in  the  earth ;  for  it  is  worth  more  than 
twenty  in  paper. 

Why  is  a  fop  like  a  cinnamon  tree?  Because  the 
bark  is  worth  more  than  the  bush. 

A  photographer's  epitaph-—"  Taken  from  lif^**" 


COXUXDR  CMS. 


II 


When  is  a  child  a  perfect  blessing?  When  it  is  a 
well-spring  of  pleasure. 

What  sort  of  a  rib  is  most  valuable  ?    A  spare-rib. 

Where  may  we  hope  never  to  meet  a  friend  ?  While 
we  are  ascending  the  hill  of  prosperity. 

What  is  the  greatest  blessing  Heaven  can  send?  A 
good  wife. 

What  is  the  sentiment  that  should  actuate  us  all? 
Love  to  one,  friendship  to  a  few,  and  good-will  to  all. 

Name  a  bank  that  there  is  no  discount  on  ?  A  bank 
of  earth. 

What  debt  should  we  be  ever  ready  to  pay  ?  To 
give  the  devil  his  due. 

What  is  Neptune's  coat-of-arms  ?  The  crest  of  a 
wave. 

Tell  me  what  is  a  Western  settler  ?  The  contents  of 
a  six-shooter. 

Bones,  as  you  are  a  capital  maxi,  tell  me  how  to  get  a 
Herring  safe  ?    Catch  him  in  a  net. 

When  is  fishing  discouraging?  When  you  fish  all 
day  and  get  nothing  but  mosquito  bites. 

Why  should  you  never  put  your  v/atch  under  your 
pillow?  Because  you  should  never  sleep  on  your 
watch. 

What  parties  are  young  ladies  always  partial  to? 
Wedding  parties. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  gent  dancing  with 
a  miss  and  one  losing  his  photograph  in  a  railway  car? 
One  faces  his  miss  and  the  other  misses  his  face. 

W^man  is  a  delusion ;  but  men  will  hug  delusions. 


Jf2 


CONUNDRUMS. 


Why  should  a  doctor  have  his  office  near  a  burial' 
ground  ?    As  a  matter  of  convenience  to  his  patients. 

Why  is  a  mad  bull  an  animal  of  a  convivial  disposi- 
tion ?    Because  he  offers  a  horn  to  every  one  he  meets. 

Can  the  sun's  character  be  considered  spotless. 

Why  is  the  endorser  of  a  note  called  a  surety  ?  Be- 
cause he  is  almost  sure  to  have  to  pay  it. 

If  a  Colt's  pistol  has  six  barrels,  how  many  barrels 
^)ught  a  horse  pistol  to  have  ? 

Horace  Greeley  is  reported  to  have  said  to  an  indi- 
V^idual  who  obstructed  his  view  at  a  theatrical  perform- 
ance: "If  you  observe  anything  worth  seeing,  let  me 
know." 

Why  is  a  hotel  ghost  like  a  policeman  ?  Because  it 
is  an  inn-spectre. 

When  thunder  claps,  for  whom  is  the  applause  in- 
tended ? 

How  do  you  arrive  at  the  height  of  a  church-steeple 
on  a  hot  day  }  Per-spire. 

Why  3s  a  beard  like  common  sense  ?  Because  no 
women  possess  it. 

At  which  a  lady  correspondent  "  goes  for  it"  after  the 
following  fashion : 

Why  is  the  author  of  the  above  like  a  certain  worn- 
out  instrument  of  music.  Because  he  is  an  abandoned 
lyre  (liar). 

What  is  that  which  gives  a  cold,  cures  a  cold,  and 
pays  the  doctor's  bill  ?    A  draught  (draft). 

Why  is  a  gooseberry  tart  like  a  note  of  a  broken 
bank  ?    Because  it  is  not  current  (currant). 


CONUNDRUMS. 


13 


Which  is  the  king  of  trees  ?  A  straight  fir.  Why  ? 
Because  it  is  fir  straight  (first-rate). 

\i  I  were  in  the  sun  and  you  were  out  of  it,  what 
wo^ld  the  sun  become  ?  Sin. 

Wl^t  man  must  have  his  glass  before  he  can  do  a 
day's  work  }    A  glazier. 

What  kind  of  a  ship  has  two  mates  and  no  captain  ? 
Courtship. 

When  is  a  pie  like  a  poet  ?    When  it  is  Browning. 

What  is  the  most  unfortunate  vegetable  they  could 
have  on  board  a  ship  ?    A  leek. 

Why  is  a  woman  like  a  locomotive  ?  Because  she 
draws  a  train  after  ^.er,  scatters  the  sparks,  and  trans- 
ports the  males. 

What  can  pass  before  the  sun  without  making  a 
shadow  }    The  wind. 

What  tradesman  most  resembles  an  iron  dog.^  A 
tinker  (tin-cur). 

Why  is  a  woman  d.=;formed  when  she  is  mending  her 
stockings  ?  Because  her  hands  are  where  her  feet 
should  be. 

Whose  best  works  are  most  trampled  upon.?  A 
shoemaker's  ;  because  good  shoes  last  longer  than  bad 
ones. 

A  man  gave  a  cattle-farm  to  his  six  sons.  Why  is 
that  farm  like  the  focus  of  a  lens The  sun's  rays 
meet  there  (the  sons  raise  meat  there). 

What  flies  forever  and  rests  never  ?    The  wind. 

Why  is  the  sun  like  a  good  loaf  ?  Because  it  ii  al- 
ways light  wh'^.n  it  rises. 


14 


CONUN-DRUMSo 


Why  is  a  guide-book  like  a  pair  of  handcuffs  ?  Be 
cause  it  is  made  for  tourists  (two  wrists). 

Why  is  a  snow-storm  the  best  of  jokes  ?  You  ran 
always  see  the  drift  of  it. 

If  the  good  all  die  early,  why  are  the  LaJ  iK^e  the 
pupil  of  the  eye  ?   Because  they  die  late  (di-la^e). 

Why  is  a  peacock  like  the  figure  nine  ?  Because  it  is 
nothing  without  its  tail. 

Why  is  a  king  like  a  cloud?  I>ecaase  both  rain 
(reign). 

Why  is  death  like  a  tm-pan  tied  to  a  dog's  tail  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  bound  to  occur  (a  cur). 

Why  is  love  like  a  potato  ?  Because  it  shoots  from 
the  eyes,  it  grows  in  the  dark,  and  it  diminishes  by 
paring. 

Why  is  the  memory  of  Washington  like  fine  old 
French  brandy  ?  Because  it  is  very  dear  to  the  Amer- 
ican people. 

Why  is  a  buckwheat  cake  like  a  caterpillar  ?  Because 
it's  the  grub  that  makes  the  butter-fly. 

Why  is  William  Penn,  the  Quaker,  like  a  codicil  ? 
Because  he  is  appended  (a-pen-dead). 

Why  was  the  first  day  of  Adam's  life  like  a  summer 
day  in  Spitzbergen  ?    Because  there  was  no  eve  to  i#. 

Why  has  the  shoemaker  wonderful  powers  of  en- 
durance ?    Because  he  holds  on  to  the  last. 

When  is  it  an  absurdity  to  offer  a  liberal  reward  ? 
For  a  correspondent  who  corresponds  with  the  truth. 

Why  is  the  blacksmith  the  most  dissatisfied  of  me- 
chanics ?   Because  he  is  always  jtriking  for  wages, 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  i&  the  greatest  risk  a  soldier  has  to  contend 
*ith  ?  Being  extinguished  before  he  can  become  dis- 
tiicruished. 

"V^hy  did  Adam  bite  the  apple  which  Eve  gave  him  ? 
Becau;e  he  had  no  knife. 

Why's  a  proud  and  vain  young  lady  like  a  drunkard  ? 
Because  leither  of  them  are  satisfied  with  a  moderate 
use  of  the  gass. 

What  is  thit  if  you  use  it  well  will  look  at  everybody  ; 
but  if  you  scrach  its  back  it  will  look  at  nobody  ?  A 
looking-glass. 

What  is  that  \^hen  you  add  something  to  it,  it  will 
become  smaller ;  btt  if  you  add  nothing,  it  will  become 
larger  ?   A  hole  in  a  stocking. 

Why  it/e  the  human  race  like  an  auctioneer's  goods  ? 
Because  they  are  always  going,  going,  gone. 

If  you  was  doomed  to  t\\e  stake,  would  you  have  a 
preference  ?    Yes  ;  I  would  prefer  a  beef-steak. 

Cousin  Fanny  complains  at  the  ridiculous  complaints 
of  men  about  crinoline.  Why  so?  Because  they 
only  cover  two  feet. 

What  is  the  easiest  and  best  way  to  expand  the 
chest  ?    By  having  a  good  heart  in  it. 

Why  should  you  be  careful  how  you  entertain  friend- 
ship ?    Because  it  has  a  cold  shoulder. 

Why  would  a  practical  joker  make  a  successful 
auctioneer?  Because  of  his  success  in  selling  his 
friends. 

Why  is  it  a  good  thing  to  be  above-board  ?  It  is  a 
good  thing  to  be  above-board,  but  a  pretty  bad  thing 
to  be  overboard. 


i6 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  should  be  the  length  of  a  man's  arms?  > 
man's  arms  may  be  short,  but  every  bold  step  lengthens 
them  two  feet. 

When  is  a  man  out  of  date  ?  When  he's  a  weak 
(week)  back. 

Why  does  a  lady's  home-dress  outlast  aV  others? 
Because  she  never  wears  it  out. 

Why  ought  poultry-keeping  to  be  a  mJSt  profitable 
business?  Because  fcr  every  grain  yo^  give  a  fowl  it 
gives  a  peck. 

How  would  you  speak  of  a  tailor  ?vhen  5^ou  did  not 
remember  his  name  ?  You  would  call  him  Mr.  So  and 
So  (sew  and  sew). 

What  person  mentioned  in  the  Scripture  would  have 
made  a  good  husband  for  a  tall  laundress?  A-hi-tub. 

Why  is  a  dog  with  a  lame  leg  like  a  boy  at  arithme- 
tic ?    Because  he  puts  down  three  and  carries  one. 

Why  is  a  lady's  foot  like  a  locomotive  ?  Because  it 
moves  in  advance  of  a  train. 

What  is  that  which  increases  the  effect  by  reducing 
the  cause  ?    A  pair  of  snuffers. 

What  is  the  different  effect  between  roses  and  blos- 
soms ?  It  is  a  very  pleasant  thing  to  see  roses  and  lilies 
glowing  upon  the  cheek  of  a  young  lady,  but  a  bad 
sign  to  see  a  man's  face  break  out  in  blossoms. 

Why  is  a  stupid  man  like  a  man  with  one  leg  ?  Be- 
cause his  understanding  is  imperfect. 

What  is  that  we  often  see  made,  but  never  see  it  after 
it  is  made  ?    A  noise. 

Hew  does  a  st©ve  f@f!  when  full  of  coal  ?  Grateful. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


17 


jf  a  young  lady  was  suffering  from  blighted  affection, 
what  flower  weald  you  give  her?  Heartsease. 

Why  is  the  letter  A  like  the  meridian  ?  Because  it 
is  in  the  middle  of  day. 

How  many  young  ladies  would  it  take  to  reach  from 
London  to  Brighton?  Fifty-two ;  because  a  miss  is  as 
good  as  a  mile. 

When  a  man  is  asking  whether  he  can  speak  loud, 
what  kind  of  a  savage  does  he  name  ?  Cannibal  (can  I 
bawl). 

W^hat  kind  of  toast  should  every  true  American  im- 
bibe? A  health  to  those  ladies  who  set  the  example 
of  wearing  America's  productions. 

Why  IS  Mr.  Timothy  More,  since  he  lost  his  hair, 
like  an  American  city  ?  Hecause  he  is  bald  Tim  More 
(Baltimore). 

Why  IS  an  orderly  schoolmaster  like  the  letter  C? 
Because  he  makes  lasses  into  classes. 

According  to  the  laws  of  retaliation,  what  right  have 
you  to  pick  an  artist's  pocket?  Because  he  has  picked 
yours  (pictures). 

In  what  part  of  London  should  Quakers  live?  Hat- 
ton  (hat  on)  Gardens. 

Why  is  a  good  tavern  like  a  bad  one  ?  Because  both 
are  inn-convenient. 

Which  has  the  most  legs,  a  horse  or  no  horse  ?  A 
horse  has  four  legs,  no  horse  has  five. 

What  is  that  v/hicb  is  above  all  human  imperfections, 
and  yet  shelters  the  .veak  and  wisest  as  w§ll  the 
Wiekedtst  f>f  sll  mankind  ?    A  hat. 


1 8  CONUNDRUMS, 

'Twas  not  in  Alpine  snow  or  ice, 
But  on  homely  English  ground: 
*'  Excelsior  "  was  their  device 
And  sad  their  fate  they  found. 
They  did  not  climb  for  love  of  fame, 
But  followed  duty's  call ; 
They  were  united  in  their  aim, 
But  parted  in  their  fall. 
Jack  and  Jill. 

If  the  letter  D  were  never  used,  why  would  it  be  like 
a  dead  man  ?   It  would  be  deceased  (D  ceased). 

Why  are  sheep  the  most  unfortunate  of  animals, 
and,  at  the  same  time,  the  most  wicked?  Because 
they  spend  all  their  youth  on  the  turf;  they  gambol 
when  they  are  young ;  the  best  of  them  are  black  legs, 
and  they  are  invariably  fleeced  before  they  die. 

What  should  you  do  with  your  eyes  ?  Dot  them. 
Why  need  you  not  do  it  ?  Because  they  are  capital 
eyes. 

What  fruit  is  like  an  old  monkey?  Grapes  (gray 
apes). 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  surface  of  a 
lake  and  a  leaden  image  of  the  devil  ?  One  is  a  dead 
level  and  the  other  is  a  lead  devil. 

What  is  the  first  money  transaction  mentioned  in 
the  Bible  ?  When  Moses  drew  a  check  on  the  Red 
Sea  and  the  sons  of  Israel  passed  it. 

When  do  two  and  two  make  more  than  four  ?  When 
hey  make  twenty-two. 

What  is  the  best  land  for  children?  Lap-land. 

When  was  beef  the  highest  ?.  When  the  cow  jumped 
over  the  moon. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


19 


What  kind  of  meat  is  never  cheap  ?  Venison — it  is 
always  deer. 

What  is  the  best  name  for  a  wood-chopper? 
Hugh. 

When  is  a  Scotchman  like  a  donkey?  When  he 
strolls  along  his  banks  and  braes. 

How  do  we  know  that  fishes  sometimes  go  crazy? 
Because  we  sometimes  find  them  in  Seine, 

What  is  the  hardest  thing  to  deal  with  ?  An  old 
pack  of  cards. 

What  evidence  have  we  that  Rome  was  built  in  a 
night?  Because  we  are  told  that  "Rome  was  aot 
built  in  a  day." 

What  is  the  best  way  to  make  early  peas  come  up? 
Turn  the  hens  into  the  garden. 

Why  is  the  human  life  the  riddle  of  all  riddles  ?  Be- 
cause we  must  all  give  it  up. 

Where  lies  the  path  of  duty?  Through  the  cus- 
tom-house. 

What  is  the  cord  in  which  you  cannot  tie  a  knot  ? 
A.  cord  of  wood. 

What  kind  of  money  do  misers  like  best?  That  of 
other  people. 

Why  are  indolent  persons'  beds  too  short  for  them  ? 
Because  they  are  too  long  in  them. 

Why  would  a  tax  on  tarts  be  objectionable  at  sea  ? 
Because  it  would  be  encouraging  to  pie-rates. 

Why  should  secrets  not  be  told  in  a  vegeta"Dle  gar- 
den ?  Because  the  potatoes  have  eyes,  the  corn  has 
ears,  and  beans  stalk  about  there. 


20 


CONUNDRUMS. 


Within  a  marble  dome  confined, 

Whose  milk-white  walls  with  silk  are  lined, 

There  doth  a  golden  ball  appear 

Bathed  in  a  stream  of  crystal  clear, 

No  doors  or  windows  you  behold. 

Yet  thieves  break  in  and  steal  the  gold. 

An  egg. 

Why  is  a  public  house  like  the  land  of  shadows  ? 
Because  it  is  the  abiding  place  of  good  and  bad  spirits. 

Why  was  St.  Paul  like  a  horse  Because  he  was 
fond  of  Timothy. 

When  is  a  man  greatly  tickled  but  never  laughs? 
When  a  fly  lights  upon  his  nose.  ^ 

What  is  the  royal  road  to  marriage  ?  Going  to 
court. 

Why  do  railway  men  always  speak  of  a  locomotive 
as  "she"?  Because  it  suggests  tender  thoughts  and 
draws  men  after  it. 

Why  is  conscience  like  an  omnibus  strap  }  It  is  the 
inward  check  to  the  outward  man. 

When  is  a  gambler  like  a  sportsman.^  When  he 
makes  the  game  his  own. 

Why  are  Cashmere  shawls  like  deaf  people?  Be- 
cause you  cannot  make  them  (hear)  here. 

Why  is  a  spendthrift's  purse  like  a  thunder-cloud  ? 
Because  it  is  continually  lightning. 

What  is  it  that  God  never  sees,  a  king  seldom,  and 
we  every  day  ?    A  superior. 

Why  do  some  juries  stand  on  their  dignity.  Be- 
cause they  think  themselves  grand,  when  they  are 
petty. 


CONUNDRUMS.  21 

What  chasm  is  that  that  often  separates  friends? 
Sarcasm. 

How  many  neck-ties  had  Job  ?  He  had  three  miser- 
able comforters;  and  they  were  all  worsted. 

How  do  bees  dispose  of  their  honey  ?  They  cell  it, 
of  course. 

Which  travels  faster,  heat  or  cold  ?  Heat.  Because 
one  can  catch  a  cold. 

When  may  one's  teeth  usurp  the  functions  of  one's 
tongue     When  they  are  chattering. 

What  is  a  green-grocer  that  we  read  about  ?  One 
Vho  trusts. 

Why  are  the  sun  and  moon  like  a  halfpenny  ?  Be- 
cause they  are  far-things. 

Why  should  the  company  of  jailers  never  be  toler- 
ated    Because  they  keep  bad  company. 

Why  have  you  no  cause  to  fear  the  arrows  of  resent- 
ment from  an  old  man  ?  Because  he  never  had  a  beau. 

What  are  the  greatest  attachments  made.'*  More 
law-suits  than  love  suits  are  brought  on  by  attach- 
ments. 

When  is  the  heart  like  a  watchman  ?  When  it  con- 
fines itself  to  its  regular  beat. 

What  is  the  height  of  absurdity  ?  To  defend  a  po- 
litical editor  against  abuse  is  like  holding  an  umbrella 
over  a  duck  in  a  shower. 

Why  should  you  be  shy  of  winning  woman  ?  Deal- 
ers in  sugar  candy  are  not  always  candid. 

When  a  drunken  man  solicits  aid,  what  can  you  con- 
sistently give  him  ?  Lemonade. 


22 


I  am  a  word  of  four  syllables. 
In  my  first  my  second  sat ; 
I  ate  my  third  and  fourth. 
In-sat-i-ate. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


Bones,  the  difference  between  the  bark  of  a  medical 
tree,  and  the  bark  of  a  dog  ?  The  one  may  save  one's 
life,  and  the  other  save  one's  property. 

What  would  comprise  a  fair  match  ?  A  woman  with- 
out arms  and  a  man  without  legs  would  be  a  fair  match. 

At  what  season  did  Zve  eat  the  apple  ?    Early  in  the 


Why  are  we  so  often  bid  to  take  care  ?  Because  it 
comes  soon  enough  whether  we  want  it  or  not. 

Of  all  the  Percy  family,  who  is  the  noblest  ?  Percy- 
vere  (persevere).  And  the  most  cruel?  Percy-cute 
(persecute). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  carriage  wheel  and 
a  carriage  horse  ?  One  goes  best  when  it  is  tired  and 
the  other  doesn't. 

Why  do  so  many  young  ladies  tell  such  confounded 
fibs  ?  Because  they  send  word  to  the  front  door,  "  en- 
gaged," though  they  never  had  an  offer  in  their  life. 

Why  are  the  loves  of  some  married  folks  like  their 
jewelry?  For  the  world's  eyes  ;  thinking  it  too  pre- 
cious for  every-day  wear  at  the  fireside. 

Bones,  why  do  you  always  eat  your  sister's  share  of 
the  cake  and  pie  ?  My  mother  taught  me  always  to 
take  her  part. 

When  does  a  man  in  a  brown  coat,  with  a  parcel 
under  his  arm,  go  along  Broadway  at  the  rate  of  five 
iniles  an  hour  ?   When  he's  in  a  hurry. 


fall. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  is  the  difference  between  a  butcher  and  a  flirt  ? 
The  former  kills  to  dress,  the  latter  dresses  to  kill. 

In  what  place  did  the  cock  crow  when  all  the  world 
could  hear  him  ?    Noah's  Ark. 

Why  are  stars  the  best  astronomers?  Because  they 
have  studded  (studied)  the  heavens  since  the  creation. 

Why  is  a  widower  like  a  house  in  a  state  of  dilapida- 
tion.^   Because  he  wants  re-pairing. 

Why  are  a  pin  and  a  poker  like  a  blind  man  Be 
cause  they  have  a  head  and  no  eyes. 

Why  is  S  like  a  smart  repartee  ?  Because  it  begins 
and  ends  in  sauciness. 

What  should  a  good-natured  wife  do  ?  Study. 

Why  is  a  sparrow  like  India-rubber.^  Because  he  is 
gutter  percher  (gutta-percha). 

What  roof  never  keeps  out  the  wet }  The  roof  of 
the  mouth. 

Why  ought  one  to  distrust  the  opinion  of  any  per- 
son who  does  not  use  cheap  perfumes  }  Because,  don't 
you  see,  he  is  wanting  in  common  scents  (common 
sense). 

What  is  good  diet  for  a  wise  man?  Sage. 

Why  is  the  nose  in  the  middle  of  the  face  ?  Because 
its  the  scenter  (centre). 

Why  is  the  average  sermon  like  asparagus  ?  Because 
the  end  is  the  best  part. 

When  is  the  plebeian  higher  than  the  patrician? 
When  Noah  took  Ham  with  the  Ark. 

Why  is  a  lazy  young  dog  like  an  inclined  plane  ? 
Because  it  is  a  slow  pup  (slope  up). 


24  CONUNDRUMS, 


Why  is  a  black  cat  looking  out  of  a  garret  window 
of  a  corner  house  like  an  orange  ?  Because  it  looks 
round. 

Why  cannot  you  play  at  the  present  moment  ?  Be- 
cause all  play  is  pastime. 

Complete,  you  wear  me ;  behead,  and  you  run  me ; 
behead  again,  you  play  me  ?    Brace,  race,  ace. 

Why  is  the  man  who  wears  spectacles  greatly  to  be 
pitied?    Because  he  can't  real-eyes  (realize)  anything. 

Why  is  an  author's  tale  like  a  Chinaman's  pig-tail  ? 
Because  they  both  come  right  out  of  the  head. 

Bones,  can  you  inform  me  how  to  make  ice-cream  ? 
Bake  it  in  cold  ovens,  to  be  sure. 

Why  is  a  tallow  chandler  a  bad,  and,  at  the  same 
time,  a  most  unfortunate  man?  Because  his  works 
are  all  wicked,  and  all  his  wicked  works  will  come  to 
light  at  last. 

When  does  a  woman's  tongue  go  quickest?  When 
it's  on  a  railroad. 

When  is  rank  and  fashion  at  a  discount?  Rank  and 
fashion  is  tolerated  in  time  of  peace  ;  but  rank  and  file 
must  have  precedence  of  them  in  time  of  war. 

When  is  a  dog  like  a  wandering  minstrel  ?  When  he 
is  a  rover. 

Why  are  cooks  of  more  advantage  than  editors  ? 
Because  they  can  make  better  puffs. 

Why  is  whispering  a  breach  of  good  manners  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  not  aloud  (allowed). 

Why  are  troubles  like  babies  ?  They  grow  larger  by 
nursing. 


COXUNDRUMS. 


25 


What  public  speaker  lectures  without  notes  ?  The 
blind  man. 

Why  is  Cardinal  McCloskey  like  a  well-behaved 
goose  ?  Because  he  is  true  to  the  propaganda  (proper 
gander). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  milch  cow  and  a 
rickety  chair?  The  one  gives  milk  and  the  other  gives 
U'ay  (whey). 

What  is  the  effect  of  love  at  first  sight  ?  It  leads  to 
marriage  with  the  eyes  shut. 

Why  is  it  unpleasant  to  be  in  company  with  certain 
people  ?  Because  they  are  like  sandwiches,  only  half 
bred. 

What  way  must  a  wife  adopt  who  wishes  to  keep  a 
husband  at  home.^  Send  him  to  the  top  of  the  house 
and  take  away  the  ladder. 

Why  are  doctors  not  respectable Because  they 
live  by  pill-age. 

If  four  quarters  make  a  yard,  how  many  will  make  a 
garden  } 

When  are  talented  people  apt  to  get  sick  ?  As  soon 
as  people  begin  to  make  rhymes  they  are  sure  to  get 
type-US-fever. 

Why  do  lovers  indulge  in  romantic  evening  rambles  ? 
Because  there  is  a  great  deal  of  moonshine  in  it. 

What  is  the  best  in  the  world  to  take  ?  A  grain  of 
common  sense;  but  it  is  not  to  be  bought  at  the  apoth- 
ecary's, for  it  is  not  a  drug  in  the  market. 

Many  consider  themselves  landless,  without  good 
cause  ;  tell  me  why.  Because  they  have  two  or  three 
acres  (achers)  in  their  mouths. 


20  CONUNDRUMS. 

If  I  were  to  contradict  my  sister  Sarah,  what  useful 
organ  should  I  name  ?    A  nasal  (nay,  Sal)  organ. 

What  kind  of  dust  and  glass  affects  the  eyes  injuri- 
ously ?   Gold  dust  and  brandy  glasses. 

Bones,  why  are  you  destined  by  nature  for  a  farmer  ? 
Because  you  are  so  witty  that  your  wife  makes  buttei- 
for  all  the  family  from  the  cream  of  your  jokes. 

Which  is  the  most  evil  article  in  a  grocer's  shop  ? 
Candles  ;  because  they  are  wick-ed  (wicked). 

Which  are  the  most  bread  and  meat  islands  ?  1\4 
Sandwich  Islands. 

I  am  a  border  when  complete ;  behead  me,  I  am  a 
border  still.  Hedge-edge. 

A  little  higher  than  my  whole,  and  I  run  over  your 
glass;  behead  me  and  I  run  round  your  glass.  Brim- 
rim. 

Why  iz  education  like  a  tailor  Because  it  forms 
our  habits. 

Why  is  a  thief  in  a  garret  like  an  honest  man  ?  He 
is  above  doing  a  wrong  action. 

Neither  a  father's  son,  nor  a  mother's  son,  yet  a  hu- 
.nan  child.  A  daughter. 

What  three  letters  in  the  alphabet  are  expressive  of 
excessive  joy  ?   X  T  C. 

Can  you  tell  me  what  is  the  summit  of  assurance? 
Stealing  money  from  a  man's  pocket,  to  settle  a  debt 
due  to  him,  is  to  pay  him  in  his  own  coin. 

Can  you  tell  when  a  little  man  has  two  negative 
qualities  ?  He  never  lays  long  in  bed,  and  he  never 
wanted  a  great  coat. 


cox  UXD  RUM'S, 


27 


does  a  duel  come  to  an  issue  suddenly  ?  When 
it  takes  two  seconds  to  arrange  it. 

What  trade  would  you  recommend  to  a  small  man  ? 
Grocer  (grow-sirj. 

What  Chinese  city  is  like  a  man  looking  through  a 
key-hole?  Pekin. 

When  were  vralking-sticks  first  invented  ?  When 
Eve  presented  Adam  with  a  little  Cain  (cane). 

When  is  a  man  with  wooden  legs  like  one  who 
makes  an  even  bargain  ?    He  has  nothing  to  boot. 

Why  are  tailors  always  brave?  Because  all  of  them, 
without  exception,  will  face  a  dozen  regimental  coata 

When  is  a  chair  like  a  lady's  dress  ?  When  it's  sat  ii^ 
(satin). 

What  chief  virtue  do;.j  frozen  water  represent > 
Just-ice. 

When  is  the  worst  weather  for  rats  and  mice  ?  Whett 

it  rains  cats  and  dogs. 
Which  is  the  ugliest  hood  ever  worn  ?  Falsehood 
What  is  greater  than  a  nutmeg?    A  nutmeg-grater 

of  course. 

Wliy  do  birds  in  their  little  nests  agree  ?  Because 
they  would  fall  out  if  they  did  not. 

Perfect  with  a  head,  perfect  without  a  head  ;  perfect 
with  a  tail,  perfect  without  a  tail ;  perfect  with  either, 
neither,  or  both.    A  wig. 

What  is  there  about  a  church-steeple  that  reminds 
you  of  your  school  exercises  ?    A  parsing  bell. 

When  is  a  bad  disposition  like  fi'jur  ?  When  \x  is  in- 
bre(a)d. 


28 


CONUNDRUMS, 


When  the  President  pardons  a  convict,  what  gram- 
matical rule  does  he  illustrate  ?  He  puts  a  period  to  a 
sentence. 

What  are  the  best  waterproofs  ?  Soundings. 

How  may  a  dead  tyrant  violate  truth  ?  By  lying  in 
state. 

Why  is  a  dishonest  lawyer  like  a  sleepless  man  ?  Be- 
cause he  first  lies  upon  one  side,  then  upon  the  other, 
and  is  wide  awake  on  both  sides. 

Which  is  at  once  the  warmest  and  the  coldest  of  gar- 
ments ?    A  bare  (bear)  skin  coat. 

Why  is  natural  philosophy  like  an  income-tax  asses- 
sor ?  Because  it  ascertains  the  properties  of  bodies. 

Why  is  steam  like  the  President  on  a  journey  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  a  moving  power. 

Why  is  a  man  just  married  like  the  guardian  of  a 
lunatic  ?  Because  he  has  to  care  for  one  beside  him- 
self. 

Did  Shakespeare  say  that  the  Liverpool  river  was 
muddy?  Yes;  the  quality  of  Mercy  (Mersey)  is  not 
strained. 

What  belongs  to  yourself,  and  is  used  by  everybody 
more  than  yourself  ?    Your  name. 

Why  is  a  beautiful  woman  in  the  water  a  valuable 
machine  ?    Because  she  is  a  diving  belle  (bell). 

What  word  of  five  syllables  is  that  of  which  if  you 
take  away  one  syllable  no  syllable  remains  ?  Monosyl- 
lable ;  take  away  mo,  and  no-syllable  remains. 

Why  is  love  like  a  potato?  Because  it  springs  from 
the  eyes,    ,  ; 


CO  XUX DRUMS. 


29 


"When  is  a  family  worth  ten  pence?  When  it  has  3 
Frank  (franc;  in  it. 

Why  is  ^he  letter  F  like  death  ?  Because  it  makes 
all,  fall. 

Why  are  words  like  cannon  ?  Because  they  are  the 
flying  artiller}- of  thought. 

When  has  a  man  a  right  to  do  as  he  pleases  ?  When 
he  pleases  to  do  right. 

Can  you  tell  me  what  there  is  not  in  nature  ?  Dumb 
belles. 

What  fruit  trees  resemble  the  knights  of  the  oldea 
time  ?  Those  that  cast  down  gages. 

Why  is  a  widower  like  a  house  in  a  state  of  dilapi- 
dation }    Because  he  should  be  re-paired. 

Why  should  a  person  engaging  in  a  difficult  enter- 
prise secure  a  companion  named  William  }  Because 
where  there's  a  will  there  is  a  way. 

Why  are  two  lovers  like  the  two  halves  of  a  divided 
bank  note?  Because,  however  widely  separated,  they 
always  correspond  with  each  other. 

Why  do  rich  men  sing  well?  Because  they  hold 
their  notes. 

What  is  always  behind  time  ?    The  back  of  a  watch. 

Why  is  a  pig's  tail  like  a  car\'ing-knife  ?  Because  it 
is  flourished  over  a  ham. 

When  is  neuralgia  in  the  face  like  the  ancient 
money-changers?    When  it  is  seated  in  the  temple. 

If  Solomon  was  the  son  of  David,  and  Joab  was  the 
son  of  Zeruiah.  what  relation  was  Zeruiah  to  Joab? 
"Mother, 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  is  that  which  makes  pretty  women  and  plain 
women  look  equally  well  ?    The  dark. 

Why  do  hens  always  lay  in  the  day-time  ?  Because 
they  are  roosters  at  night. 

To  what  port  is  a  man  bound  on  the  day  of  his  wed- 
ding?   To  Havre. 

What  two  letters  of  the  alphabet  describe  a  faded 
loafer?   C  D. 

When  may  two  people  be  said  to  be  half-witted? 
When  they  have  an  understanding  between  them. 

Why  is  a  man  who  marries  twice  like  the  captain  of 
a  ship  ?    He  has  a  second  mate. 

Why  should  people  travelling  in  the  Sahara  never  be 
hungry  ?  Because  of  the  sandwiches  (sand-which-is) 
there.  How  came  they  there?  Because  Ham  was 
sent  there  and  his  posterity  were  bread  (bred)  and 
mustard  there. 

Why  is  a  sword  like  the  moon  ?  Because  it  is  the 
glory  of  the  k-night. 

Why  v/as  Queen  Elizabeth  greater  than  Napoleon  ? 
One  was  a  wonder  and  the  other  a  Tudor. 

Where  do  we  read  of  the  first  use  of  currency? 
When  the  dove  brought  the  green  back  into  the  ark. 

What  King  first  made  beef-tea  ?  Henry  the  Eighth, 
when  he  dissolved  the  Papal  Bull. 

Why  is  a  watch-dog  larger  at  night  than  in  the 
morning?  Because  he  is  let  out  at  night  and  taken  in 
in  the  morning. 

Why  is  a  dead  dog's  tail  like  a  tree  across  the  road  ? 
Jt  stops  a  wagon. 


cox  UXD  RUMS. 


31 


What  becomes  of  the  pins.  They  fall  to  the  earth 
and  become  terra-pins. 

Why  do  so  many  people  in  China  travel  on  foot? 
Because  there  is  but  one  Cochin  China  (coach  in 
China). 

Why  is  the  last  day  of  Februar>'  like  one  of  Shake- 
speare's plays }  Because  it  is  winter's  tail  (^Vinter'3 
Tale). 

Why  do  women  love  to  exercise  control  ?  Because 
they  are  not  satisfied  unless  they  have  husbands  to 
order. 

Why  is  it  best  for  all  men  and  women  to  have  but 
one  foot.''  Because  it  is  impossible  to  tread  on  one's 
own  toes. 

When  do  broken  bones  begin  to  make  themselves 
useful  ?    When  they  begin  to  knit. 

What  is  maid  (made)  of  money?    A  young  heiress. 

How  would  you  get  a  duck  for  dinner?  Jump  into 
the  river. 

Why  are  all  men  burglars  ?  Because,  if  a  woman 
had  as  many  locks  upon  her  heart  as  she  has  upon  her 
head,  the  cunning  rogues  would  find  their  way  into  it. 

What  is  the  best  thing  out  ?    Out  of  debt. 

What  is  the  worst  thing  out  ?    Out  of  temper. 

Why  does  woman  require  no  eulogy  ?  Because  she 
speaks  for  herself. 

Why  is  the  world  like  a  music-book?  Because  it  is 
full  of  flats  and  sharps. 

What  four-legged  animal  is  always  in  the  water,  yet 
never  wet  ?    A  cat  in  a  cataract. 


32  .  CONUNDRUMS. 

Why  is  your  personal  demeanor  like  a  glass  of  al» 
on  a  frosty  morning  ?  It  is  more  agreeable  "  with  the 
chill  off." 

When  should  you  hesitate  to  receive  a  babe  from 
the  arms  of  its  mother  ?  When  it  has  been  "  cribbed," 
and  is  necessarily  stolen  property. 

What  did  Adam  and  Eve  live  on  ?    On  terra  firma. 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  industrious  per- 
son and  a  lazy  one  ?  The  first  makes  time,  the  second 
takes  it. 

Why  are  fascinating  girls  like  clouds  ?  Because  they 
reign  (rain)  upon  earth. 

What  feminine  title  with  the  prefix  "  I,"  is  a  declara- 
tion of  lunacy  ?    I  mad-am. 

What  river  in  Bavaria  answers,  "  Who  is  there  ?" 
Isar. 

Why  are  all  the  hand-organs  classic  ?  Because  they 
are  the  production  of  the  handle  (Handel). 

When  is  a  man  like  a  little  pony  ?  When  he  is  a 
little  hoarse. 

What  is  the  proper  diet  for  a  dancer  }    A  few  capers. 

If  you  court  a  young  woman,  and  you  are  won,  and 
she  is  won,  what  will  you  become  ?    One,  of  course. 

Why  should  the  male  sex  avoid  the  letter  A^  Be- 
cause it  make  men  mean. 

Why  is  the  letter  M  like  a  man  who  feeds  on  lish  ? 
Because  it  makes  meals  of  eels. 

At  what  period  of  your  life  do  you  wish  for  a  thou- 
sand tongues  ?  When  a  boy,  and  you  crawl  into  a 
molasses  barrel. 


CONUNDRUMS, 


33 


What  is  the  first  thing  we  find  ^ither  in  town  or 
country?  Dust. 

Why  is  the  letter  D  like  a  squealing  baby?  Because 
it  makes  ma  mad. 

When  is  a  soldier  not  a  soldier?  When  he  is  in 
quarters. 

Why  is  the  letter  Y  like  a  young  spendthrift  ?  Be- 
cause it  makes  pa  pay. 

What  requires  more  philosophy  than  taking  things 
as  they  come  ?    Parting  with  things  as  they  go. 

When  may  a  ship  at  sea  be  said  not  to  be  on  water  ? 
When  she  is  on  fire. 

The  greatest  curiosity  in  the  world  has  been  found ; 
what  is  it  ?    A  woman. 

What  was  the  first  bet  ever  made  ?    The  alphabet. 

What  kind  of  business  never  thrives  ?  The  station- 
cry  business. 

What  kind  of  clothes  should  a  gymnast  wear? 
Spring  clothes. 

In  what  way  would  you  operate  to  make  an  army 
fly?    By  breaking  its  wings. 

If  a  man  saw  his  mother-in-law  in  prison,  what  letter 
would  he  name  ?    Letter  B. 

When  is  a  brick  a  tile  ?    When  it  is  a  projectile. 

Which  British  poet  could  never  be  a  civilized  man? 
Savage. 

What  article  of  ladies'  dress  is  useful  to  sportsmen  ? 
Caps. 

What  is  the  lightest  of  all  garments?  A  shift  of  the 
wind.  < 


34  CONUNDRUMS. 

What  writer  would  have  been  the  best  angler? 
Hooker. 

Why  are  all  men  hypocrites  ?  Because  they  are 
always  seen  in  sheep's  clothing. 

Why  is  the  letter  A  like  a  lunatic  ?  Because  it's  in- 
sane. 

Why  is  sneezing  like  a  waterfall?  Because  it's  a 
catar(rh)-act. 

When  may  a  knife  in  your  hand  be  considered  un- 
der your  foot  ?    When  it  is  ground. 

Why  are  all  of  our  milkmen  inconsistent  ?  Because 
they  have  the  conscience  to  charge  just  as  much  for 
water  in  wet  w^eather  as  in  dry. 

Why  does  the  world  improve  yearly  ?  Because  every 
year  it  turns  over  many  new  leaves. 

Why  should  we  be  very  particular  with  the  front  of 
our  house  ?  Because  every  man  is  judged  by  his  gait 
(gate). 

Why  are  the  Digger  Indians  never  known  to  smile  ? 
Because  they  are  grave  diggers. 

Why  is  it  folly  to  converse  with  a  fish  ?  Because 
you  never  succeed  in  drawing  it  out. 

When  does  a  woman  invariably  tell  the  truth? 
When  she  is  talking  of  her  own  age. 

Why  are  fools  the  worst  of  all  thieves  ?  They  rob 
us  of  time  and  temper.  . 

Why  does  a  duck  go  into  the  water  ?  For  divers 
reasons.    Why  does  it  come  out  ?   For  sun-dry  reasons. 

What  is  that  which  by  losing  an  eye  has  nothing  but; 
^  nose  left  ?   A  noise. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


35 


Why  should  we  buy  fair,  sell  fair,  and  love  the  fair  ? 
By  so  doing,  you  will  stand  a  fair  chance  of  leading  a 
fair  life. 

There  is  a  word  of  plural  number, 
A  foe  to  peace  and  human  slumber ; 
Now  any  word  you  chance  to  take, 
By  adding  s  you  plural  make  ; 
But  if  you  add  an  s  to  this, 
#     How  strange  the  transformation  is  1 
Plural  is  plural  then  no  more, 
And  sweet  what  bitter  was  before. 

This  foe  to  peace  and  human  slumbel 

Is  found  to  just  five  letters  number  ; 

The  first  is  c,  the  last  is  s, 

The  others  a-r-e  as  you  may  guess: 

Now  add  another  s  to  these. 

And  you  have  what  will  lovers  please. 

The  first  a  host  of  ills  and  woes. 

As  every  human  heart  best  knows  ; 

The  last  escaped  from  Eden's  frown. 

To  man,  one  drop  of  heaven  sent  down. 

What  magazine  would  be  likely  to  give  the  best  re- 
port of  a  fire  ?    A  powder  magazine. 

What  is  the  difference  between  Noah's  Ark  and  Joan 
of  Arc?  One  wac  made  of  Gopher  wood  and  the  other 
Maid  of  Orleans. 

He  walked  on  earth, 

He  talked  on  earthy, 

He  never  sinned  or  evil  knew, 

He  never  was  in  heaven  or  hell, 

And  never  can  be. 

Balaam's  ass,  Num.  22  :  29,  30. 

When  is  the  best  time  to  read  the  book  of  Nature? 
When  spring  opens  the  leaves  and  autumn  turns  them. 


36 


CONUNDRUMS, 


When  was  material  for  malt  liquor  introduced  into 
the  navy  ?  When  the  kangaroo  went  into  the  Ark  with 
hops  and  they  had  a  bruin  there. 

Why  is  love  like  a  canal  boat  ?  It  is  an  internal 
transport. 

Beneath  the  sun  a  creature  once  iid  dwell, 
As  sacred  writers  uncontested  tell, 
'Twas  in  this  world  his  mortal  breath  he  drew 
Yet  never  sinned  or  moral  evil  knew, 
He  never  can  be  raised  from  the  dead, 
Nor  at  the  day  of  judgment  show  his  head  ; 
Yet  in  him  was  a  soul  that  must 
Exist  in  hell  or  dwell  among  the  just. 
The  whale  which  swallowed  Jonah. 

Why  is  a  dishonest  bankrupt  like  an  honest  poof 
man  ?    Both  fail  to  get  rich. 

What  causes  the  potato  rot  ?  The  rot-dXoxy  motion 
of  the  earth. 

When  were  salt  provisions  introduced  into  th«  navy  ? 
When  Noah  took  Ham  into  the  ark. 

Why  is  Satan  a  gentleman  ?  Being  an  imp-of-dark- 
ness  he  cannot  be  imp-o'-lite. 

Why  is  a  book  of  conundrums  in  a  dull  company 
like  a  man  inviting  a  large  company  and  having  no 
one  to  come  ?  There  is  a  host  put  out  and  not  one 
guest  (guessed). 

What  relation  is  the  door  to  the  mat  ?  It  is  a  .step 
farther  (step-father). 

When  is  a  sheep  like  ink  ?  When  you  take  it  in^o 
the  pen. 

What  parts  of  the  body  are  most  useful  to  carpen- 
ters ?  Nails. 


37 


Through  my  first  unceasing  flow 
Sounds  of  mirth  aaid  sounds  of  woe  ; 
In  my  second,  newly  made, 
Thousands  every  year  are  laid  ; 
In  my  whole  you  never  jest, 
Prayers  are  made  and  sins  confessed. 


Earnest. 

What  specialty  is  the  most  valuable  to  a  nosier  ? 
Hosier}-,  of  course ;  it  is  his  stock  in  trade. 

What  is  the  weight  of  the  moon  ?    Four  quarters. 

Why  is  a  generous,  noble-hearted  man  like  a  number 
thirteen  shoe?    Because  he  has  a  large  soul  (sole). 
Why  is  a  boiled  leg  of  mutton  like  a  dancing  master? 


Because  it  is  usually  associated  with  capers. 

What  does  the  letter  B  do  for  boys  as  they  advance 
in  years?    As  they  grow  older  it  makes  them  bolder. 

Vv^here  is  the  best  place  to  get  fat  ?    At  the  butcher's. 

Why  is  a  joke  not  as  durable  as  a  church  bell  ?  Be- 
cause after  it  has  been  told  a  few  times  it  is  worn  out. 

Which  is  the  greatest  bet  ever  madf.  ?  The  alpha- 
bet. 

Why  are  balloons  in  the  air  like  vagTcMts  ?  Because 
they  have  no  visible  means  of  support. 

AVhat  did  Adam  first  set  in  the  garden  of  Eden  ?  His 
foot. 

How  many  sides  are  there  to  a  tree  ?  Two — the  in- 
side and  the  outside. 

What  word  is  that  to  which  if  you  add  a  syllable  it 
will  be  shorter  ?  Short. 

What  is  that  which  every  one  wishes  tot  and  yei 
tries  to  get  rid  of  ?    A  good  appetite. 


38 


CONUNDRUMS. 


Why  are  potatoes  and  corn  like  certain  sinners  of 
old?  Because  having  eyes  they  see  not,  and  having 
ears  they  hear  not. 

Which  is  the  strongest  day  in  th:.  v>reek  ?  Sunday— 
because  all  the  rest  are  weak  days. 

Of  what  parts  of  speech  are  shop-keepers  most  anx- 
ious to  dispose  ?  Articles, 

Why  is  a  well-trained  horse  like  a  benevolent  man? 
Because  it  stops  at  the  sound  of  woe  (whoa). 

Why  do  sheep  resemble  fast  young  men  ?  Because 
they  curl  up  and  dye. 

Why  is  a  man  hurrying  to  prevent  his  daughter 
Hannah  falling  over  a  precipice  like  one  journeying  to 
a  city  in  the  South?  Because  he  is  going  to  save 
Hannah  (Savannah). 

Why  is  marriage  like  a  tall  footman  ?  Because  it  is 
hymeneal  (high  menial). 

Why  is  a  man  who  has  studied  and  practised  the  art 
of  inlaying  with  variegated  colors,  like  four  letters  of 
the  alphabet  ?    Because  he's  an  enameller  (N  M  L  R). 

If  a  spirit  was  observed  walking  in  a  small  village  by 
moonlight,  what  character  in  one  of  Shakespeare's 
plays  would  he  represent  ?    The  ghost  in  Hamlet. 

Why  would  a  spider  appear  to  have  wings  ?  Because 
he  often  takes  a  fly. 

Why  would  you  recommend  extravagant  ladies  to 
young  men  seeking  wives?  Because  they  would  make 
dear  wives. 

If  the  house  were  on  fire,  and  the  stairs  destroyed, 
how  would  you  get  down  ?   The  stairs  a-way. 


COyUXDR  VMS. 


39 


Why  have  all  fruit  trees  militar}'  propensities  ?  Be 
cause,  when  young,  they  are  well  trained ;  they  pro- 
duce many  kernels,  and  their  shoots  are  ver\'  straight. 

What  is  that  which  is  too  much  for  one,  enough  /or 
two,  and  nothing  for  three  ?    A  secret, 

A  -word  of  three  syllables  seek  till  you  find, 
That  has  in  it  the  twenty-six  letters  combined. 
Alphabet. 

Why  are  the  letters  C  and  S  in  the  word  cloves,  al- 
though separated,  closely  attached  ?  Because  there  is 
love  between  them. 

Why  is  it  danc,'erous  to  health  to  emigrate  to  the 
Black  Hills  ?  Because  the  rage  for  gold  is  an  incurable 
type  of  yellow  fever. 

Who  performs  miracles  on  earth  now  ?  The  sculp- 
tor— because  he  makes  a  man  out  of  a  block  of  marble. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  goose  and  an 
author?  A  goose  has  many  quills,  but  an  author  can 
make  a  goose  of  himself  with  one  quill, 

How  would  you  give  comfort  to  fat  people  ?  Xo  one 
can  think  small  beer  of  himself  when  he  is  well  aware 
that  he  is  stout. 

Why  are  lawyers  and  doctors  safe  people  by  whom 
to  take  example  ?  Because  they  always  practise  their 
professions. 

Can  you  tell  me  what  living  in  suspense  means? 
Working  yourself  to  death  to  earn  a  living. 

How  would  you  avoid  drowning  ?  Keep  your  head 
above  water. 


40  CO.VUNDRUMS, 

It  is  said  a  woman  can  never  keep  a  secret ;  why  ? 
If  a  woman  does  not  speak  her  secret  with  her  hps, 
she  is  sure  to  tell  them  in  her  letters  ;  her  pen  is  cer- 
tain to  split. 

When  is  a  chicken  a  perfect  glutton  ?  When  it  takes 
a  peck  at  a  time. 

Why  should  we  avoid  mingling  with  the  multitude? 
Because  the  man  who  was  hemmed  in  by  a  crowd,  has 
had  a  stitch  in  his  side  ever  since. 

Why  are  elderly  unmarried  ladies  never  envied? 
Because  they  are  the  least  enviable  of  all  waiting- 
maids. 

When  is  the  sun  every  man's  servant?  When  it 
works  every  day  in  the  year  and  exacts  no  pay. 

In  making  an  estimate  of  a  man  or  a  woman,  why 
should  you  not  take  the  dress  into  consideration?  'Tis 
the  value  of  the  blade  that  you  inquire  into,  not  of  the 
scabbard. 

What  is  always  pointed  and  with  one  eye  to  busi- 
ness ?    A  needle. 

What  chemical  instrument  is  like  a  cutting  remark  ? 
The  retort. 

What  did  Jack  Frost  say  to  the  lily?  Wilt  thou, 
and  she  wilted. 

How  does  a  sailor  know  there  is  not  a  man  in  the 
moon  ?    Because  he  has  been  to  sea  (see). 

Why  was  "  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin"  not  written  by  a 
^emale  hand  ?  Because  it  was  written  by  Mrs.  Beecher 
Stowe  (Beecher's  toe). 


CONUNDRUMS. 


41 


\Vhen  walking  through  a  field  of  wheat 
I  picked  up  something  good  to  eat ; 
'Twas  neither  fish,  flesh,  fowl  or  bone  ; 
I  kept  it  until  it  ran  alone. 

Egg- 
When  is  it  dangerous  to  enter  a  church  ?  When 
there  is  a  canon  in  the  reading-desk,  and  a  great  gun 
in  the  pulpit. 

What  is  the  difference  between  reckless  speculation 
and  a  slice  of  bacon  ?  One  is  a  rash  thing,  the  other  a 
rasher. 

When  does  a  man  sit  down  to  a  melancholy  dessert  ? 
When  he  sits  down  to  w(hnne  and  to  pine. 

What  animal  took  the  most  luggage  into  the  Ark? 
which  took  the  least?  The  elephant,  who  took  his 
trunk,  while  the  fox  and  the  cock  had  only  a  brush  and 
comb  between  them. 

When  is  money  damp  ?  When  it  is  due  (dew)  in  the 
morning  and  missed  (mist)  at  night. 

Why  is  swearing  like  an  old  coat  ?  Because  it  is  a 
bad  habit. 

Why  are  fixed  stars  like  pens,  ink  and  paper?  Be- 
cause they  are  stationar}-. 

A  house  full,  a  3-ard  full,  and  you  can't  catch  a  bowl 
full  J  what  is  it?  Smoke. 

Over  the  water,  and  under  the  water,  and  always 
with  its  head  down  ?    A  nail  in  the  bottom  of  a  ship. 

Black  within  and  red  without,  and  four  corners 
round  about?    A  chimney. 


42 


CONUNDRUMS. 


What  is  that  which  no  man  ever  yet  did  see, 
Which  never  was,  and  always  is  to  be 
To-morrow. 

What  is  that  which  every  living  man  hath  seen  ? 
But  never  more  will  see  again,  I  ween. 
Yesterday. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  pastry-cook  and  a 
bill-sticker  }  One  puffs  up  paste  and  the  other  pastes 
up  puffs. 

The  calf,  the  goose,  the  bee,  the  world  is  ruled  by 
these  three;  what  is  the  answer.^  Parchment,  pens 
and  wax. 

The  land  was  white,  the  seed  was  black  ;  it  will  take 
a  good  scholar  to  riddle  me  thai  ?  Paper  and  writing. 

Why  is  a  nobleman  like  a  book  }  Because  he  has  a 
title. 

Why  is  a  drunken  man  like  a  windmill  ?  Because 
his  head  turns  round. 

Of  what  profession  was  Adam  ?    A  planter. 

Why  is  wine  double-faced?  Because  it  is  first  a 
friend,  then  an  enemy. 

When  is  a  pig  like  peas  in  a  garden  ?  When  it  re- 
quires sticking. 

Wl^  isn't  a  widow  like  a  spoilt  child  ?  Because  she 
don't  get  what  she  cries  for. 

Why  is  a  good  cook  like  a  student  of  philosophy  ? 
Because  she  has  long  been  accustomed  to  fry  her 
Cfriar)  bacon. 


COXUXDR  UMS. 


43 


Which  is  the  laziest  class  of  people?  Tall  people; 
because  they  are  always  longer  in  bed  than  others. 

'\Vhy  is  an  industrious  tailor  never  at  home?  Be- 
caust  he  is  always  cutting  out. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  clock  and  a  wo- 
man ?  A  clock  points  out  hours,  and  a  woman  makes 
us  forget  them. 

Can  you  give  tne  an  illustration  of  the  force  of  a  be- 
reft woman  ?  A  man  broke  into  the  house  of  a  widow . 
she  pitched  him  out-of-doors — a  striking  evidence  of 
the  power  of  the  wido^v's  might. 

Why  should  a  little  man  never  marn,'  a  bouncing 
widow  ?  Because  he  wculd  be  called  the  widow's 
mite. 

What  kind  of  sweetmeats  did  they  have  in  the  Ark  ? 
Preserved  pears. 

Who  was  the  first  whistler  and  what  was  his  tune? 
The  wind,  when  he  whistled  "  Over  the  Hills  and  Far 
Away." 

Why  is  a  spider  a  good  correspondent  ?  Because  he 
drops  a  line  by  every  post. 

If  you  suddenl}'  saw  a  house  on  fire,  what  three  cele- 
brated authors  would  you  feel  inclined  to  name  ? 
Dickens,  Howitt,  Burns  (Dickens!  how  it  burns;! 

In  what  color  should  a  secret  be  kept  ?  Inviolate 
(in  violet). 

In  case  of  an  accident,  what  is  better  than  presence 
of  mind  ?    Absence  of  body. 


44  CON  UNDR  UMS. 

Why  should  tailor's  children  be  boiled?  Because 
their  pa  snips  (parsnips). 

Why  is  a  lover's  heart  like  a  sea  serpent  ?  Bec-iuse 
it  is  a  secreter  (sea  creature)  of  great  sighs  (size) 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  Prince  of  Wales, 
a  man  with  a  bald  head,  an  orphan,  and  a  gorilla? 
The  Prince  of  Wales  is  an  heir  apparent,  a  man  with  a 
bald  head  has  no  hair  apparent,  and  an  orphan  has 
ne'er  a  parent,  and  a  gorilla  has  a  hairy  parent. 

When  is  a  young  man  of  the  greatest  use  at  a  supper 
party  ?    When  he  is  a  spoon. 

Why  is  avarice  like  a  bad  memory  ?  Because  it  i& 
always  forgetting. 

A  feeling  all  persons  detest, 

Although  'tis  by  every  one  felt, 
By  two  letters  fully  expressed, 

By  twice  two  invariably  spelt. 

Envy  (N  V). 

Which  is  easier  to  spell — fiddle-de-de  or  fiddle-de 
dum  ?    The  former,  because  it  is  spelt  with  more  e's. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  photographer  and 
«rhooping-cough  ?  The  one  makes  fac-similes,  the 
other  sick  families. 

What  musical  instrument  should  we  never  believe  ? 
A.  lyre. 

Why  are  there  three  objections  to  taking  a  glass  of 
brandy  ?    Because  there  are  three  scruples  to  a  dram. 

What  death  dot  $  s  barber  die  ?   He  curls  up  and 


CONUXDR  VMS. 


45 


What  is  that  which  we  all  eat  and  drink,  though  it 
^-  sometimes  a  woman  and  sometimes  a  man?  A 
to^t. 

"^^"hxt  is  that  which  goes  from  London  to  York  with- 
out movng?    The  road. 

Why  is  y^ur  nose  and  chin  always  at  variance  ?  Be- 
cause words  a^A  constantly  passing  between. 

What  dot;  man  love  more  than  hfe, 
Hate  more  t,an  death  or  mortal  strife, 
That  which  co»tented  men  desire, 
The  poor  have,  t^e  rich  require, 
The  miser  spends,  ft,e  spendthrift  saves, 
And  all  men  earn,'  to  their  graves  ? 
Nothing. 

How  do  you  swallow  a  door?    Bolt  it. 

What  is  that  which  is  often  brought  to  table,  often 
cut,  but  never  eaten  ?    A  pack  of  cards. 

What  is  that  which  lives  in  winter,  dies  in  summer, 
and  grows  with  its  root  upward  ?    An  icicle. 

Which  is  the  queen  of  the  roses,  and  why?  The 
nose  of  the  watering-pot,  because  it  rains  (reigns)  over 
them  all. 

Why  are  railways  like  laundresses  ?  Because  they 
have  ironed  all  England  and  have  occasionally  done  a 
little  mangling. 

From  a  number  that's  odd  cut  off  the  head. 

It  then  will  even  be  ; 

Its  tail,  I  pray,  take  nest  away 

Your  mother  then  fou'U  set. 

SEVEN, 


4^  CONUNDRUMS. 

Why  is  ambition  like  a  weather-cock?  Because  V 
is  a  vain  and  glittering  thing  to  a-spire. 

Which  is  the  most  difficult  train  to  catch?  The 
12.50,  because  it  is  ten  to  one  if  you  catch  it. 

If  a  farmer  asked  a  barber  the  difTerer^^  in  their 
trades,  how  could  he  answer  in  a  word  of  f^i^^  syllables  ? 
You  till,  I  tie  (utility). 

Why  is  an  industrious  girl  like  a  ^ery  aged  woman  ? 
Because  both  are  notable  (not  p-^le). 

Why  is  catnip  like  a  mous^^  Because  the  cat  will 
eat  it. 

When  is  a  fow.^ii  nect  like  a  bell  ?  When  it  is  wrung 
(rung). 

Why  is  Ireland  like  a  bottle  of  wine  ?  Because  it  has 
a  Cork  in  it. 

What  is  that,  though  blind  itself,  guides  the  t)lind  ? 
A  staff  or  stick. 

When  is  a  window  like  a  star  ?  When  it  is  a  sky- 
light. 

What  is  an  eel  like  when  lying  on  a  gravel  path  ? 
t-ike  a  fish  out  of  water. 

When  is  a  lady's  cheek  not  a  cheek  ?  When  it  is  a 
kittle  pale  (pail). 

What  smells  most  in  a  chemist's  shop?    The  nose. 

If  a  poker,  shovel  and  tongs  cost  a  dollar,  what 
will  a  ton  of  Lehigh  coal  come  to  ?  Ashes. 


COXUXDI^UMS.  47 

Why  is  an  undertaker  like  a  skinflint  ?  Because  he 
s  always  screwing  people  down. 

"^'hy  are  shirt-makers  like  life-exiles  in  Siberia? 
Becaug  ^]^Qy  both  work  fcr  bare  life. 

Why  i^-i  drunkard's  mouth  water-proof?  Because 
no  water  ev.^.  enters  there. 

What  shoulai^e  ^he  aim  in  life  for  all  model  young 
men?    To  be  abk to  chime  in  and  ring  a  bell  (belle). 

Why  should  Doxoi^g^^  be  the  name  of  the  last  boy  in 
every  family  ?    Because  it  is  the  last  of  the  hims. 

Why  did  Joseph's  bretsren  put  him  in  the  pit? 
Because  there  was  no  room  fc^  him  in  the  family  circle. 

When  is  a  man  not  a  man  ?  When  he  is  a  littla 
horse  (hoarse). 

What  is  the  most  frequent  fare-weli  performance? 
A  good  meal. 

Can  you  tell  me  the  meaning  of  the  Academy  of  De- 
sign?    A  young  ladies'  boarding-school. 

Can  you  tell  me  what  is  a  ver}^  unsatisfactor\^  sort  of 
bread?    The  roll  of  time. 

Tell  me  how  to  make  a  tall  man  short.  Try  to  bor' 
row  five  dollars  of  him. 

As  you  are  very  dressy,  tell  me  what  kind  of  suits 
last  longer  than  you  want  ?    Law  suits. 

Why  is  a  blackleg  superior  to  a  man  who  is  superior 
to  him?   Because  he's  a  better. 


48 


CONUNDRUMS, 


Why  is  a  dog  biting  his  own  tail  like  a  good  man- 
ager ?    Because  he  makes  both  ends  meet. 

What  word  contains  all  the  vowels,  and  ir 
proper  order?  Facetious. 

An  old  woman  in  a  red  cloak  was  crossi-a  ^  ^^^^ 
which  a  goat  was  feeding.    What  stranr-:  transforma- 
tion suddenly  took  place  ?    The  goat  t'^'"^^  t)"^^ 
and  the  woman  became  a  "  scarlet " 

How  many  insects  does  it  tak-^  to  make  a  landlord? 
Ten  ants. 

Why  would  an  owl  be  o^ended  if  you  called  him  a 
pheasant?  Because  yo»  would  be  making  game  oi 
him. 

Formed  long  ago,  yet  made  to-day, 
I'm  piost  in  use  when  others  sleep  ; 
WAat  few  would  like  to  give  away, 
And  none  would  like  to  keep, 
A  bed. 

What  is  that  of  which  the  common  sort  is  the  best  ? 
Sense. 

Why  ought  a  greedy  man  to  wear  a  plaid  waistcoat  ? 
To  keep  a  check  upon  his  stomach. 

Why  is  an  accepted  suitor  like  a  person  guilty  of  a 
crime  ?    Because  he  ought  to  be  transported. 

What  is  that  which  never  asks  any  questions  and 
yet  requires  many  answers  ?    The  door-bell. 


What  is  that  that  has  neither  flesh  nor  bone,  and  yet 
has  four  fingers  and  a  thumb  ?    A  glove. 


CONUNDRUMS. 


49 


Three  feet  I  have,  but  ne'er  attempt  to  go, 
And  many  nails  thereon,  but  not  one  toe. 
A  yard  measure. 

TThy  is  a  retired  milkman  like  the  whale  that  swal- 
lowed Jonah  ?  Becaiise  he  took  the  profit  (prophet) 
out  of  the  water. 

"Why  do  fisherm^.n  possess  extraordinary  medical 
powers  ?    Because  they  cure  dead  fish. 

Upon  what  musical  instrument  are  most  High 
Church  people  skilful  performers?  Cymbals  (sym- 
bols). 

Why  is  an  Irishman  mending  his  clothes  like  a  rich 
man  ?    Because  he  is  making  up  his  rents. 

My  first  makes  company  ; 
My  second  shuns  company  ; 
My  third  assembles  company; 
My  whole  puzzles  a  company. 
Co-nun-drum. 

"Why  is  a  chimney-sweep  the  happiest  man  alive } 
Because  he  is  well  sooted. 

How  would  you  express  in  one  word  having  met  a 
doctor  of  medicine  ?  Met-a-physician. 

"Why  are  teeth  like  verbs  ?  Because  they  are  regular, 
irregular,  and  defective. 

'Tis  true  I  have  both  face  and  hands, 
And  move  before  your  eyes  ; 
Yet  when  I  go  my  body  stax  is, 
And  when  I  stand  I  lie. 

Clock. 


50 


CONUNDRUMS, 


I'm  strangely  capricious,  I'm  sour  and  I'm  sweet, 
To  housewives  I'bi  useful,  to  children  a  treat  ; 
I  freely  confess  I  more  mischief  have  done, 
Than  anything  else  that  is  under  the  sun. 
An  apple. 

Why  are  Queen  Victoria's  poultry  quarrelsome  ? 
Because  they  are  Vic's  hens  (vixens)- 

With  what  two  animals  do  you  always  go  to  bed  ? 
Two  calves. 

I'm  the  offspring  of  shame,  by  modesty  bred, 
I'm  the  symbol  of  virtue  and  vice  ; 
Neither  written  nor  printed,  yet  constantly  red  ; 
A  critic  discerning  and  nice. 

I'm  a  marplot,  and  terribly  self-willed  witnal, 

I'm  not  to  be  argued  or  tasked  : 

And  although  I  obey  not  a  positive  call, 

I  come  when  not  wanted  or  asked. 

A  blush. 

Why  is  a  drunkard,  hesitating  to  sign  the  pledge, 
like  a  skeptical  Hindoo?  Because  he  is  in  doubt 
whether  to  give  up  the  worship  of  his  jug  or  not  (Jug- 
gernaut). 

If  an  awkward  fellow  upsets  your  best  tea-service 
what  flower  does  he  remind  you  of?  China-a-stir 
(China  aster). 

Why  is  ill-temper  like  the  letter  G  ?  Because  it's  al- 
ways in  a  rr  ge. 

If  it  were  possible  for  a  single  lady  to  be  a  man- 
hater,  what  would  be  her  most  appropriate  name? 
Miss-an-thrope. 


RIDDLES. 


When  may  the  Etliiopian  be  said  to  change  his  color? 
—When  he  proves  an  unlucky  wight  (white). 

Where  are  balls  and  routs  supplied  gratis? — On  the 
field  of  battle. 

In  what  class  of  men  arc  the  finite  propensities  of 
human  nature  the  most  fully  developed? — In  the  aero- 
nauts; they  have  reached  a  fine  height. 

Why  is  a  clock  always  bashful? — Because  its  hands 
are  ever  before  its  face. 

What  parts  of  speech  are  shopkeepers  most  anxious 
to  sell? — Articles. 

Why  are  persons  fatigued  like  a  wheel? — Because 
they  are  tired. 

When  is  a  penniless  state  of  things  the  cause  of  joy 
in  a  poor  man's  family? — When  bread  is  a  penny -less 
per  loaf. 

Why  is  a  tradesman  who  keeps  enlarging  his  stock 
like  a  reptile? — He's  an  adder. 

Why  are  good  resolutions  like  fainting  ladies? — They 
want  carrying  out. 


52 


RIDDLES. 


When  is  coffee  like  the  soil? — When  it  is  ground. 

When  is  a  punster  most  like  an  outlaw? — When  he  is 
BOBBING  Hood  (Robin  Hood). 

Why  is  a  woman  deformed  when  she  is  mending  her 
stockings ! — Because  her  hands  are  where  her  feet  ought 
to  be. 

When  is  an  artist  like  a  cook? — When  he  is  drawing  a 
little  duck. 

¥^hat  is  the  oldest  piece  of  furniture  in  the  world? — 
The  multiplication  table. 

When  may  a  man  be  said  to  be  truly  in  advance  of  his 
age? — When  he's  knocked  into  the  middle  of  next  week. 

If  you  stumble  over  your  new  mat  in  the  passage, 
what  science  are  you  shown  to  have  neglected? — Pneu- 
matics. 

When  is  a  ship  like  a  lady  in  distress? — When  missing 
STATS  or  when  she's  a  whaler  (waller). 

Why  is  a  man  in  pecuniary  difficulties  like  an  ostrich 
in  wfct  weather? — Because  he  cannot  get  the  dust  to 
cover  his  bill. 

What  is  the  difference  between  photography  and  the 
whooping  cough? — One  makes  fac-similes,  and  the 
other  SICK  families. 

What  heavenly  thing  and  what  earthly  thing  does  a 
rainy  day  most  affect? — The  sun  and  your  boots;  it 
takes  the  shd^e:  out  of  both. 


RIDDLES.  53 

Why  is  a  bad  hat  like  a  snarling,  fierce  lap-dog? — ^Be- 
cause ITS  nap's  (it  snajDs)  awful  I 

What  things  increase  the  more  you  contract  them? — 
Debts. 

^Thy  are  corsets  like  opposition  omnibuses? — Because 
they  reduce  the  fair  (fare). 

When  does  a  black  and  tan  dog  change  color? — Whea 
it  turns  to  bay. 

Why  do  the  rich  only  eat  venison? — Because  it  is 
DEAR  (deer). 

Why  is  it  easy  to  break  into  an  old  m;m*s  house? — 
Eis  GAIT  is  broken  and  his  locks  are  few. 

When  does  a  farmer  double  up  a  sheep  without  hurt- 
ing it? — When  he  folds  it. 

"\'\Tiy  do  sailors  working  in  brigs  make  bad  servants? 
Because  it  is  impossible  for  a  man  to  serve  two-masters 
well. 

Why  is  pending  a  donkey  to  graze  like  going  up  a 
hill? — It  is  an  ass  sent  (ascent). 

Wny  is  a  lucky  gambler  an  agreeable  fellow? — Be- 
cause he  has  such  winning  Vy'ays. 

What  is  that  which  xVdam,  only  of  all  mankind,  never 
saw  and  never  possessed? — Parents. 

'VYhen  is  a  kiss  like  rumor? — Whea  it  goes  from 
mouth  to  mouth. 


54  RIDDLES. 

I   Why  does  the  sun  rise  in  the  east? — Because  the 
(y)east  makes  everything  rise. 

Why  is  a  baker  a  most  improvident  man? — He  is  al- 
ways selling  what  he  kneads  (needs)  himself. 

Why  is  the  letter  K  like  a  pig's  tail? — Because  it's  the 
end  of  pork. 

Why  is  a  thought  like  the  sea? — Because  it's  A  notion 
(an  ocean). 

At  what  time  of  the  day  was  Adam  born? — A  little 
before  Eve. 

Why  is  a  newspaper  like  an  army? — ^Because  it  has 

LEADEKS,  COLUMNS,  and  REVIEWS. 

Why  is  cold  weather  productive  of  benevolence? — ^be- 
cause it  makes  people  put  their  hands  in  their  pockets. 

Why  can  an  Irish  servant  answer  two  questions  in 
the  same  words? — When  you  ask  her,  ''Biddy,  what  is 
it  o'clock?"  and  ""Where's  the  cold  mutton?"  and  she  re- 
plies, "Sure,  Sur,  it's  eight  "  (ate). 

What  is  the  best  time  for  sowing  tares? — When  you 
go  round  and  collect  your  rents. 

Why  don't  horses  wear  hats? — Because  it  would  give 
them  a  hos-tile  appearance. 

What  animal  has  the  most  brains? — The  hog,  because 
he  has  got  a  HOGS-head  full  of  them. 

Why  is  a  woman  living  up  two  pair  of  stairs  like  a, 
goddess? — Because  she  is  a  second  Flora  (floorer). 


RIDDLES.  55 

■\Vliy  do  men  aboui  to  fight  a  duel  generally  choose 
a  FIELD  for  the  place  of  action? — For  the  purpose  of 
allowing  the  ball  to  geaze. 

Why  is  it  reasonable  to  suppose  that  tight-rope  dan- 
cers are  great  favorites  with  the  public? — Because  their 
performance  is  always  encored  (on  cord). 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  Emperor  and  a 
beggar? — The  one  issues  manifestoes,  and  the  other 

MANIFESTS  TOES  without  HIS  SHOES. 

When  may  a  man  be  said  to  imbibe  music? — When  he 
has  a  piANO-FOR  tea  (pianoforte). 

When  does  a  man  contrive  to  move  in  a  very  small 
space? — When  he  comes  down  stairs  in  his  slippeiis. 

Wlien  docs  a  sculptor  explode  in  strong  convulsions? 
— When  he  makes  faces  and  busts. 

What  tree  bears  the  most  fruit  to  market? — The  axle 
tree. 

When  docs  a  ship  become  a  horseman? — When  it 
rides  at  anchor. 

Why  is  a  vulgar  row  like  railway  traveling? — Because 
it's  LOW  COMMOTION  (locomotion). 

Why  is  a  lawyer  like  a  sawyer? — Whichever  way  he 
goes,  down  must  come  the  dust. 

What  great  Scotsman  would  you  name  if  a  footman 
knocked  at  the  door? — John  Knox. 

Why  is  a  negative  like  frozen  rainf — Because  it's  no. 


$6  RIDDLES, 

Why  is  a  ten-cent  piece  like  a  cow? — It  has  a  head, 
and  a  tail,  and  two  sides. 

Why  are  horses  in  cold  weather  like  meddlesome 
gossips? — Because  they  are  the  bearers  of  idle  tails. 

Why  is  a  specimen  of  handwriting  like  a  dead  pig? — 
Because  it  is  done  with  the  pen. 

Why  is  a  clear,  frosty  night  like  the  hot  summer 
day? — Because  it's  the  best  time  for  s Being  the  grate 
BARE  (Great  Bear). 

If  you  pull  a  dog's  tail,  why  is  that  like  your  tea- 
caddy? — Because  you're  teaslng  it  (your  tea's  in  it). 

"WTiy  is  a  newly -born  baby  like  a  gale  of  wind? — 
Because  it  begins  with  a  squall. 

V/hy  is  a  prisoner  on  his  trial  like  a  criminal  hang- 
ing?—Because  he's  in  a  state  of  suspense. 

Why  does  a  young  man  injure  his  stature  by  encour- 
aging the  growth  of  his  beard? — Because  then  he  begins 

to  grow  DOWN. 

Which  is  the  most  hearty  gentleman? — Sir-loin. 
The  most  positive  gentleman? — Cer-tain. 
The  most  suspicious  gentleman? — Surmise. 
The  most  cowardly  gentleman? — Sur-render. 

Why  is  a  union  of  political  parties  like  gas-tar? — 
Because  it's  coalescehtce  (coal  essence). 

Why  does  a  puss  purr? — For  an  obvious  purr  pusb. 


RIDDLES.  57 

If  a  tree  were  to  hrcak  a  window,  what  would  the 
window  say? — Tre-mendous. 

Why  do  white  gheep  eat  more  than  black  ones? — 
Because  there  are  more  of  them ! 

Why  is  a  handsome  girl  like  an  excellent  mirror? — 

She's  a  GOOD  LOOKING  LASS. 

When  docs  the  lark  turn  carpontor? — When  he  soars 

(saws)  ACROSS  THE  WOODS  AND  FORESTS. 

Why  are  seeds  after  being  sown  like  gate-posts? — 
Because  they  are  planted  in  the  earth  in  order  to  prop- 

A-GATE. 

When  are  ladies  in  winter  like  old  kettles? — When 
they  are  very  much  furred. 

What  faction  is  it  desirable  to  have  always  predomi- 
nant?— Satis-FACTION. 

When  you  put  on  your  slipper,  why  do  you  always 
make  a  mistake? — Because  you  put  your  foot  in  it. 

What  most  effectually  checks  a  fast  man? — A  bridal 
(bridle;. 

What  proves  sailors  to  be  very  careless? — They  are  in 
a  ''mess  "  every  day  at  sea. 

What  are  the  best  trees  to  protect  a  house  from  winter 
storms? — Firs  (furs). 

Why  is  a  country  bumpkin  termed  raw? — Because  he 
cannot  be  said  to  be  well  pressed. 


58  RIDDLES. 

Why  is  John  Smith  like  a  badly-cooked  cake? — Bo- 
cause  he  isn't  Brown. 

When  is  a  horse  like  a  schoolboy? — ^When  he  knows 

HIS  (S)  TABLE. 

How  should  love  come  to  the  door? — With  a  ring  but 
not  without  a  rap  (wrap). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  funny  fellow  and  a 
butcher? — One  deals  in  wit,  and  the  other  in  wit-tlesI 

What  relation  is  the  door-mat  to  the  scraper? — A  step- 
father (farther). 

If  a  cab  is  hired  by  a  woman  who  has  seen  better 
days,"  why  may  the  cabman  be  said  to  lose? — He  has  a 
BEDUCED  pare  (fair). 

Why  does  a  sailor  know  there  is  a  man  in  the  moon? — 
Because  he  has  been  to  sea  (see). 

Why  is  Berlin  the  most  dissipated  city  in  Europe? — 
Because  it's  always  on  the  Spree  (the  river  so  called). 

Why  is  it  almost  certain  that  Shakespeare  was  a  money- 
broker? — Because  no  man  has  furnished  so  many  stock 

QUOTATIONS. 

Why  is  a  horse  the  most  miserable  of  animals? — His 
thoughts  are  always  on  the  rack. 

What  money  brings  the  most  substantial  interest? — 
Matri-mony. 

What  is  that  which  everyone  can  divide,  but  cannot 
0§e  where  it  has  b^en  divided? — Water. 


RIDDLES.  5^ 

When  may  a  man  be  said  to  be  literally  immersed  in 
business? — Wlien  he's  giving  a  swimming  lesson. 

Why  is  the  best  article  of  malt  liquor  like  the  last 
piece  of  music  in  a  concei't  programme? — Because  it's 
the  FINE  ALE  (finale). 

If  a  man  bumped  his  head  against  the  top  of  a  room, 
what  article  of  stationery  would  he  get? — Ceiling 
WHACKS  (sealing-wax). 

Why  is  a  pig  with  a  curly  continuation  like  the  ghost 
of  Hamlet's  father? — Because  he  "could  a  tale  unfold.'* 

Why  is  a  fishmonger  never  generous? — Beoause  his 
business  makes  him  selfish  (sell  fish). 

What  is  the  difference  between  one  who  walks  and 
one  who  looks  up-stairs? — One  steps  up  stairs  and  the 
other  stares  up  steps. 

What  instrument  of  war  does  an  angry  lover  re- 
semble?— A  CROSS-BOW. 

When  are  culprits  like  old  books? — When  bound 
over. 

When  is  an  arm  as  long  as  three  feet? — When  it's  a 
YARD-arm. 

How  does  the  most  punctual  payer  incur  debt? — By 
sleeping  on  "tick." 

When  can  a  man  have  something  and  nothing  in  his 
pocket  at  the  same  time? — When  his  pocket  has  a  large 
hole  in  it. 


6o  MIDDLES, 

What  part  of  a  shop  is  exactly  like  every  other 
part? — The  counter-part. 

Why  should  potatoes  grow  better  than  any  other 
'cgetable? — Because  they  have  eyes  to  see  what  they 
re  doing. 

Why  is  a  man  who  has  fallen  off  a  tree,  and  is  deter- 
lined  to  go  up  again  like  a  man  emigrating? — He  is 
going  to  try  another  climb  (clime). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  baldheaded  man  and 
an  angler  with  only  two  "flies?" — One  has  a  bare  pate; 
the  other  a  pair  bait  ! 

Why  are  oranges  like  church-bells? — Because  we  have 
peals  from  them. 

When  are  we  most  likely  to  find  the  sky  blue? — The 
nearer  wx  go  to  the  milky  way. 

Why  is  the  figure  nine  like  a  peacock? — Because  it's 
nothing  without  its  tail. 

If  we  see  a  lady  with  her  hair  in  ringlets,  why  may 
we  conclude  that  her  head  really  contains  some- 
thing valuable? — Because  it  is  so  well  guarded  with 
locks. 

Why  are  chickens'  necks  like  door-bells? — Because 
they  are  often  wrung  for  company. 

Why  are  young  ladies'  affections  always  doubted?— ^ 
Because  they  are  misgivings. 

Why  is  the  root  of  the  tongue  like  a  detected  man?— 
Because  it's  down  in  the  mouth. 


RIDDLES.  6i 

Why  is  a  selfish  friend  like  the  letter  P? — Though 
first  in  pity,  he  is  the  lust  in  help. 

Why  is  a  dull  and  plausible  man  like  an  unrifled 
gun? — Because  he  is  a  smooth  bore. 

When  are  tailors  and  house-agents  in  the  same  busi- 
ness?—When  they  gather  the  rents. 

Why  is  the  camel  the  most  irascible  animal  in  the 
world?— Because  he  always  has  his  back  up. 

Why  are  young  ladies  at  the  breaking  up  of  a  party 
like  arrows? — Because  they  cannot  go  off  without  bea.ux, 
and  are  in  a  quiver  until  they  get  theuk 

What  is  the  dilTerence  between  a  man  and  a  chicken? 
Man  has  his  eternity  m  the  next  world,  and  the  chicks 
have  their  necks  twirled  in  this. 

What  piece  of  carpentry  becomes  a  gOi^  hs  soon  as  it 
is  finished? — A-gate. 

Why  is  the  world  like  a  piano? — Becaus.  is  full  of 
sharps  and  flats. 

On  what  grounds  may  confectioners  be  c*»^led  very 
mercenary  lovers? — Because  they  sell  their  "  k^sivs." 

What  bar  is  that  which  often  opens  but  never  "y^-'Uts?-^ 
Crowbar. 

Wliat  is  the  most  suitable  dower  for  a  wi(!"^w?— . 
Wi-dower. 

Why  is  Asia  like  a  market  in  Christmas  week?  'Be« 
cause  there  is  always  a  Turkey  in  it. 


62 


RIDDLES. 


Wty  is  an  infant  like  a  diamond? — Because  it  is  a 
''dear  little  thing." 

What  is  the  count  on  which  you  always  lose? — ^Dis- 
count. 

Why  is  a  dwarf  unlike  the  rest  of  mankind? — Because 
he  can  never  wear  a  great  coat  nor  lie  long  in  bed. 

Why  are  the  tallest  people  the  laziest? — Because  they 
are  longer  in  bed  than  others. 

Why  is  sympathy  like  blindman's  buff? — Because  it  is 
feeling  for  our  fellow  creatures. 

Why  is  a  division  in  Congress  like  the  influenza? — 
Because  sometimes  the  ayes  (eyes)  have  it,  and  some- 
times the  NOES  (nose). 

When  does  a  man  turn  fluid  into  metal? — When  he 
makes  inquiry  (ink  wiry). 

Why  is  a  bee-hive  like  a  bad  potato? — Because  a  bee- 
hive is  a  BEE-HOLDER,  and  a  beholder  is  a  spectator, 
and  a  spect-tater  is  a  bad  potato. 

Why  doth  a  dog  waggle  hith  tail? — Give  it  up? — 
think  motht  fellahs  will  give  that  up!  You  see  the  dog 
waggles  hith  tail  becauth  the  dog'th  stwonger  than  the 
tail.    If  he  wath'nt,  the  tail  would  waggle  the  dog  I 

What  part  of  an  old  lady's  attire  most  resembles  a 
solitary  person? — Her  mitts  (hermits). 

What  represents  company,  avoids  company,  and  callB 
company  ? — Co-nun-drum. 


RIDDLES.  63 

WliY  are  pancakes  like  umbrellas? — Because  they  are 
rarely  seen  after  le^tt. 

Wlien  are  true  words  sweet  words? — "VTlien  th.ey  are 
CA^^DiED  (candid;. 

TThen  is  a  clock  on  the  stairs  dangerous? — AYh.en  it 
Ruxs  T)Q\>^  and  strikes  oxe. 

Why  is  a  blacksmith  the  most  dissatisfied  of  all 
mechanics? — Because  he  is  continually  on  the  strike 

FOE  WA&ES. 

What  is  the  difference  between  stabbing  a  man  and 
killing  a  hog? — One  is  assaulting  with  intent  to  kill, 
and  the  other  a  killing  with  intent  to  salt. 

'When  is  a  lady's  chair  like  a  lady's  dress? — When  it 

is  SAT-IX. 

Why  are  the  Germans  like  quinine  and  gentian? — 
They  are  two  tonics  (Teutonics). 

When  is  a  soldier  not  half  a  soldier? — When  he's  m 
qtartees. 

What  cardinal  virtue  does  water  represent  when  fro- 
z-en  ? — Just-ice. 

What  port  is  sought  by  every  living  creature? — Sup- 
port. 

Why  is  the  bridegroom  more  expensive  than  the 
bride? — The  bride  is  always  given  away,  while  the 
bridegroom  is  often  sold. 


64  RIDDLES. 

Why  are  authors  who  treat  of  physiognomy  like  sol- 
diers?— They  write  about  face. 

What  is  both  food  for  the  body  and  food  for  the 
mind? — Bacon  (Bacon,  the  philosopher). 

What  word  may  be  pronounced  quicker  by  adding  a 
syllable  to  it? — Quick-er. 

Why  is  a  military  officer's  position  a  paradox? — Be- 
cause, although  he  may  never  get  into  disgrace,  he  is 
sure  to  get  into  a  mess. 

What  is  that  which  we  often  catch  hold  of  and  yet 
njever  see? — A  passing  remark. 

When  is  a  gun  like  a  dismissed  servant? — When  it  is 

DISCHARGED  and  GOES  OFF. 

Why  is  a  butcher's  cart  like  his  top-boots? — Because 
he  carries  his  calves  there. 

When  does  a  farmer  act  with  great  rudeness  towards 
his  corn? — When  he  pulls  its  ears. 

Why  is  a  man  who  beats  his  wife  like  a  thorough- 
bred horse? — He's  a  perfect  brute. 

Why  is  a  man  after  a  long  journey  like  a  coach- 
wheel? — Because  he's  tired. 

Why  is  first  love  like  a  potato? — Because  it  shoots  from 
the  EYES,  and  becomes  all  the  less  by  paring. 

What  is  the  best  line  to  lead  a  woman  with? — Mascu- 

lilNE. 

What  is  the  most  ocular  punishment? — Eye-lashes. 


RIDDLES. 


65 


Why  is  a  woman  who  has  eaten  a  meat  pie  containing 
more  fat  than  one  she  had  previously  partaken  of,  like 
one  of  the  most  popular  artistes  on  the  stage? — Be- 
cause she's  HAD  A  LEANER  PATTY  (Adclina  Patti). 

Why  is  Athens  like  a  worn-out  shoe? — Because  it  once 
had  a  Solon  (sole  on). 

Why  is  rheumatism  like  a  great  eater? — Because  it  at- 
tacks the  joints. 

Why  does  a  coat  get  larger  when  taken  out  of  a  car- 
pet-bag?— Because  when  taken  out  you  find  it  in- 
creases. 

Why  is  a  lover  like  a  knocker? — Because  he  is  bound 
to  ADORE  (a  door). 

Which  is  the  most  noticeable  pair  of  "  tights?" — Two 
drunkards. 

What  is  the  most  "engaging"  work  of  art? — A  faslv- 
ionable  young  lady, 

Which  is  the  most  favorite  word  with  women? — The 
last  one. 

Why  is  a  proclamation  like  eight  drachms? — Becaustf 
it  AN  OUNCE  IS  (announces). 

Why  is  a  horse  constantly  ridden  but  seldom  fed  not 
likely  to  be  in  want  of  food? — Because  he  has  always 
got  a  bit  in  his  mouth. 

Why  are  sheep  in  a  fold  like  a  letter? — Because  they 
are  penned, 


66  RIDDLES. 

Why  is  Newcastle  coal  like  true  love? — Because  it  al- 
ways burns  v^ith  a  steady  flame. 

Why  should  a  baker  be  considered  a  poor  man? — Be- 
cause he  is  always  kneading  (needing)  bread. 

Why  ought  the  stars  be  the  best  astronomers? — Be- 
cause they  have  studded  the  heavens  since  the  creation 
of  the  world. 

Why  is  a  cabbage  run  to  seed  like  a  lover? — Because 
it  has  lost  its  heart. 

Why  did  a  fat  fellow  who  was  very  much  squeezed 
going  into  the  opera-house  become  very  complimentary 
to  the  ladies? — Because  the  pressure  made  him  flatter. 

Which  are  the  most  vain  (vein)  people? — Miners. 

When  is  a  lamplighter  like  a  cowardly  soldier? — 
When  he  runs  away  from  his  post. 

Why  are  coopers  like  musical  composers? — Because 
they  are  used  to  staves. 

Why  are  lovers  like  apples? — Because  they  are  often 
paired. 

Why  is  a  ''girl  of  the  period"  like  a  careful  house- 
wife?— She  makes  her  waist  as  little  as  she  can. 

Why  is  an  insolent  fishmonger  likely  to  get  more 
business  than  a  civil  one? — Because  when  he  sells  fish 
he  gives  sauce  with  it 

Why  is  a  coachman  like  a  lover? — Because  he  is  ^- 
ways  desirous  of  being  remembered  by  his  fare. 


RIDDLES.  67 

"yVliy  is  an  editor's  room  with,  a  big  fire  in  it  like  a 
baker's  oven? — Because  it  is  there  he  makes  his  bread. 

T\'h.at  letter  Trould  be  of  more  service  to  a  deaf 
•woman  than  an  ear  trumpet? — A,  because  it  would 
make  hek  hear. 

Of  all  Portune's  daughters,  vrhicli  one  sh.ould  a  smart 
young  man  avoid.' — Mis-fortune. 

What  tune  can  be  made  out  of  bank  xotes? — A  for- 
TrixE. 

"Wh-T  can  a  S^h.  see  to  swim  in  the  dark? — Because  he 
carries  tT>-o  pair  0"  ri:->s  Qjaramn^;  vv'ith  Mm. 

YtTiy  do  annually  flowering  plants  resemble  wlialcs? 
— Because  they  only  ccme  up  to  blow. 

Why  is  a  blade  of  grass  like  a  bill  of  excliangc? — Be- 
cause it  is  matui'ed  by  a  farLirj    dew  (due). 

"Why  is  a  drunken  m.ar}  rlke  a  noun  adjective? — He 
seldom  stands  alone. 

"Why  are  there  three  objections  to  taking  a  glass  of 
brandy? — There  are  three  scretles  to  a  draclim  (dram). 

Why  is  a  blacksmith's  apron  like  the  gates  of  a  con- 
vent?— It  keeps  oft  the  sparks. 

Why  is  a  schoolboy  vrho  has  just  began  to  read  like 
knowledge  itself? — He  is  LEAR^axG. 

On  what  toe  does  a  corn  never  come? — The  mistle- 
toe. 


68  RIDDLES, 

Why  are  hot  rolls  like  caterpillars? — Because  they 
make  the  butter-fly. 

"Why  does  a  stage  driver  seem  fonder  of  grief  than 
any  other  man? — Because  he  is  always  crying  to  his 
horses,  "Wo! — wo!" 

Why  is  a  newspaper  like  the  blood  of  a  healthful 
man? — Yery  much  depends  on  the  circulation. 

When  does  a  dog  become  larger  and  smaller? — When 
he's  LET  OUT  at  night  and  taken  in  in  the  morning. 

Why  are  ladies  who  paint  fond  of  literature? — Be- 
cause they  are  well  red  (read). 

Why  is  whispering  a  breach  of  good  manners? — Be- 
cause it's  not  ALOUD  (allowed). 

Why  is  love  like  a  canal  boat? — Because  it's  an  inter- 
nal transport. 

Why  should  a  clergyman  wear  well-fitting  clothes? — 
Because  he  should  never  be  a  man  of  loose  habits. 

What  is  most  like  a  man  looking  out  of  a  carriage? — 
A  man  looking  in. 

What  is  most  likely  to  become  a  woman? — A  little 
girl. 

Why  is  a  fool  in  high  station  like  a  man  in  a  balloon? 
Because  everybody  appears  little  to  him  and  he  appear! 
little  to  everybody. 

Why  does  a  railway  ticket  agent  cut  a  hole  in  your 
ticket? — To  let  you  pass  through. 


MDDLES.  6q 

The  snuggest  fort  in  the  world? — CoM-fort, 

V»*hy  is  a  very  ugly  female  a  v^-onderful  vroman? 
— Because  she's  an  EXT^.A-OEDl^''AP.Y  one. 

^Miy  is  a  conductor  of  music  like  the  telegraph? 
—Because  he  beats  time. 

On  vrhat  day  in  the  year  do  women  talk  the  least? 
—The  shortest  day. 

"What  changes  black  and  white  at  once? — A  book, 
when  it  is  ez  (  aj  d  all  through. 

"^Vhy  are  some  women  like  facts? — Because  they  are 
stubborn  things. 

^Vhen  is  a  chimney  like  a  chicken? — "^Vhen  it  is  a 
little  FoiTL  (fowl). 

What  is  a  lamp-post  with  its  lamp  taken  away? — A 
lamp-lighter. 

■\^Tiat  when  the  lamp  is  lit? — Light-headed. 

"What  three  letters  turns  a  girl  in  a  woman? — A  G  E. 

V.liat  animal  would  be  likely  to  devour  a  near  re- 
lation?— The  A^'TEATER  ('the  aunt  eater). 

VThy  is  a  vain  youncf  lady  like  a  confirmed  tipj^ler? 
-Because  neither  of  them  is  satisfied  with  the  moderate 
use  of  the  glass. 

AVhy  are  washerwomen  silly  people? — Because  they 
put  out  their  tubs  to  catch  soft  water  when  it  rains 

HABD. 


70  RIDDLES. 

Why  is  a  lady's  chignon  like  an  historical  romance?— 
It  is  fiction  founded  upon  fact. 

Why  is  a  man  with  a  scolding  wife  like  a  florist? — Be- 
cause he  has  a  hot-house. 

Why  is  an  ill-fed  dog  like  a  philosopher? — Because 
he  is  a  thin  cur  (thinker). 

At  what  point  does  the  army  enter  hostile  cities? — At 
the  point  of  the  bayonet. 

Which  of  your  parents  is  your  nearest  relation? — Your 
mother,  of  course.    Is  not  the  other  farther? 

On  what  food  should  a  prize-fighter  train? — Mussels. 

How  can  it  be  proved  that  a  horse  has  six  legs? — He 
has  FORE  legs  in  front  and  two  behind. 

When  is  a  young  man  the  greatest  use  a't  a  supper 
party? — When  he's  a  spoon. 

Why  are  pawnbrokers  like  sisters  of  mercy?  Because 
they  take  great  interest  in  serving  the  poor. 

Why  is  a  man's  pastor  really  and  truly  his  brother? — 
He  is  his  parson  (pa's  son). 

When  may  a  man  call  his  wife  "honey?"  When  she 
has  a  large  comb  in  her  head. 

Which  has  the  greatest  amount  of  animal  heat :  the 
beaver  or  the  otter? — The  (!i)otter  of  the  two. 

What  gate  should  wear  a  moustache? — A  hairy  (area) 
gate. 


RIDDLES.  71 

Wlien  are  two  apples  alike? — When  they're  paeed 
paired;. 

VrtiaT  is  the  diliereiice  between  an  auction  and  sea- 
sickness?— One  is  a  SALE  OF  EFFECTS :  the  other  is  the 

"EFFECTS  OF  A  SAIL. 

AVhy  is  a  colt  like  an  egg? — Because  it's  of  no  use  till 
it's  broken. 

"VThy  IS  a  bad  epigram  like  a  useless  pencil? — Because 
it  has  no  point. 

AYhen  is  water  like  fat?— When  it's  deippen-g. 

TMiy  is  a  bed-cover  like  a  blister? — Because  it's  a 
counter-PA^■'E  :pain;. 

"When  is  a  nosegay  literary? — ^Mien  it's  a  book — eh  I 
(bouquet ). 

"What  sweetmeat  do  you  get  by  slamming  a  door  on 
your  fingers  ? — -Jam. 

"Why  is  a  tale-bearer  like  a  bricklayer? — Because  he 

EAISES  STOKIES. 

"Why  are  the  fixed  stars  like  old  rakes? — Because  they 
sci2rTrLLATE  1  slu  till  late). 

"Why  may  carpenters  believe  there  is  no  such  thing  a3 
stone? — Because  they  never  saw  it. 

"Why  would  tying  a  slow  horse  to  a  post  seem  to  im- 
prove his  pace? — Because  it  would  make  him  fast. 

Why  does  wit  resemble  a  Chinese  lady's  foot? — Be- 
cause brevity  is  the  soul  i_sole)  of  vvi.t. 


72  RIDDLES. 

Y/hat  celebrated  poem  ought  a  clown  to  quote  when 
driving  six  donkey^? — Wordsworth's  ^'\Ye  are  seven." 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  blunder  and  a  wed- 
ding?—One  is  a  mis-take  and  the  other  a  take  Miss. 

When  does  a  man  get  the  cheapest  bread? — When  he 
/las  a  roll  down  stairs. 

Why  is  a  ropemaker  like  a  poet? — Because  he  makes 
lines. 

Why  is  a  gun  like  a  jury? — Because  it  goes  off  when 
discharged. 

Why  is  a  busy  tailor  said  never  to  be  at  home? — Be- 
cause he  is  often  cutting  out. 

What  tradesman  never  turns  to  the  left? — A  wheel- 

WRIGHT. 

Why  is  coffee  like  a  blunt  razor? — Because  it  must  be 
ground  before  it  is  used. 

What  color  are  the  waves  and  winds? — The  waves 
ROSS  and  the  winds  blew  (blue). 

Where  can  happiness  always  be  found? — In  the  dic- 
tionary. 

When  is  a  baby  not  a  baby? — When  it  is  a  tea  thing 
(teething). 

Why  is  a  dog's  tail  like  the  pith  of  a  tree? — Because 
it  is  farthest  from  the  bark. 

Why  is  the  letter  C  the  most  noisy  of  letters? — Bo- 
cause  it  begins  all  clamor. 


RIDDLES.  73 

Why  is  a  comet  more  like  a  dog  than  the  dog-star? — 
Because  a  comet  has  got  a  tail,  and  the  dog-star  hasn't. 

TThy  should  tlie  poet  have  expected  the  woodman  to 
spire  that  tree?"" — Because  he  thought  he  v^-as  a  good 

FELLEi  (fellow). 

^That     the  most  deceiving  age? — The  SAUS-age. 

What  is  the  best  thing  to  do  to  enjoy  the  happiness 
of  courting] — To  find  a  little  gal  a:sd  try  (gallantry). 

When  a  tree  is  felled  why  has  it  no  right  to  com- 
plain?— Because  it  was  axed  vrhether  it  would  or  not. 

What  ship  carries  more  passengers  than  the  Great 
Eastern? — Court-shi|v. 

Why  are  ladies  like  churches? — Because  there  is  n© 
LIVING  without  them. 

What  belongs  to  yourself  and  is  used  by  your  friends 
more  than  by  yourself? — Your  name. 

AVhat  flowers  should  ladies  resemble  and  what  flowers 
should  they  not  resemble? — They  should  be  roses,  but 
not  prim-roses. 

tVhat  animal  has  death  no  effect  upon? — A  jiig.  be- 
cause when  you  have  killed  him  you  can  cuee  him  and 
gave  his  bacon. 

Why  are  washerwomen  great  travelers? — Because 
they  are  continually  crossing  the  line  and  running  fror:; 
pole  to  pole. 

Spell  brandy  with  three  letters. — B.  R,  and  Y. 


74  RIDDLES. 

Why  are  the  assertions,  ''I  sell  apples,"  and  1  sell 
no  apples"  both  alike? — Because  there  is  no  difference. 

When  does  a  bather  capture  a  large  bird? — When  ha 
takes  a  "duck"  in  the  water. 

Why  is  a  chimney-sweep  bearing  a  certain  crmmon 
name  like  a  farrier? — He's  a  black-"  Smith." 

Why  is  beef  suitable  for  a  Christmas  diiiner? — Be- 
cause it  is  meat  (meet)  for  rejoicing. 

Why  should  a  farmer  object  to  a  a  political  disturb- 
ance?— Because  he  would  see  the  rye  attacked  (riot- 
act). 

Why  are  good  singers  like  cheese  curds? — Because 
they  require  to  be  pressed. 

Why  are  your  nose  and  chin  at  variance  continually? 
' — Because  words  are  constantly  passing  between  them. 

When  can  you  see  through  a  hypocrite? — When  he 
has  a  PANE  (pain)  in  his  head. 

Why  are  the  poor  of  Ireland  like  a  carpet? — Because 
they  are  kept  down  by  tax  (tacks). 

What  are  the  best  kinds  of  money? — Readymoney  and 
matrimony. 

Why  is  a  trick  of  legerdemain  like  declining  an  offer 
of  marriage? — Because  it  is  a  slight  of  hand. 

When  is  your  tooth  not  a  tooth? — When  it's  a-KiNa 
(aching). 


RIDDLES.  75 
"Wlien  is  a  nosegay  a  fish.? — "When  it's  5:NnnLT. 

"Wh-Y  is  a  speaker  who  diverges  from  his  subject  like 
a  huio;manr — He  turns  off  the  subject. 

^Vii'sis  the  alphabet  like  the  mail? — Because  it  con- 
sists of  XETTERS. 

Wliy  artrrioves  unsalable  articles? — Because  they  are 
made  to  be  kept  on  hand. 

Wliy  is  siste-  Emma  reducing  a  nutmeg  to  powder 
like  sister  Faniv  on  board  a  ve-sel  bound  for  Xew 
ZealaadJ — Becaus-^  ske  is  Eai^ia-CtEath^Ct  i^emigratingj. 

"VThat  moral  lessos.  does  a  Aveathercock  teack? — It  is 

YANT:  to  A  SPIRE. 

"Wliy  are  there,  strictl;  speaking,  only  325  days  in  the 
year? — Because  -iO  of  theu  are  lext  lEent;  and  never 
returned. 

VThy  is  a  horse  the  most  niserable  creature  in  exist- 
ence?— Because  his  head  is  ofte^i  on  the  rack,  and  his 
greatest  comfort  is  vthoa  (vroej. 

"VThat  is  a  trout  like,  lying  on  a  gravel-patk? — Like  a 
fish  out  of  water  1 

AMiat  fruit  does  a  newly  married  couple  most  re- 
semble?— A  green  pear  (pair  i. 

TThy  is  life  like  this  riddle? — Because  you  must  give 
it  np. 

"Why  does  a  man  sneeze  three  times? — Because  he  can- 
sot  help  it, 


76  RIDDLES. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  milkmaid  and  * 
swallow? — One  skims  the  milk,  and  the  other  skims 
water. 

What  ties  two  people  together,  yet  touches  o^ly  one? 

— A  WEDDING  KING. 

Why  is  a  man  who  has  pulled  on  a  pair  of  close-fitting 
boots  like  Jupiter? — Because  he  has  conquered  the 
tight'uns  (Titans). 

On  what  side  of  a  house  does  th^  yew  tree  grow? 
— The  outside. 

Why  is  water  in  a  filter  like  th^  fortune  of  a  spend- 
thrift?—Because  it  is  soon  run  through,  and  leaves 
many  matters  behind  to  settl-^^. 

What  can't  a  dumb  man  crack?— A  joke. 

Why  is  the  sun  like  people  of  fashion?— It  turns  night 
into  day. 

Why  is  a  person  with  his  eyes  closed  like  a  defective 
schoolmaster? — He  teeps  his  pupils  in  darkness. 

Why  is  the  wici:  of  a  candle  like  the  city  of  Athens? 
lit  is  in  the  midst  of  grease  (Greece). 

Why  is  an  axe  like  coffee? — It  must  be  ground  before 
it  can  be  used. 

Why  is  a  dog  biting  his  tail  like  a  good  economist? — 
Because  he  makes  both  ends  meet. 

Why  are  a  fop's  legs  like  some  organ-grinders? — Be- 
cause they  carry  a  monkey  about  the  streets. 


RIDDLES.  77 

Wliere  did  the  executioner  of  Charles  the  First  dine, 
\nd  what  did  he  take?— He  took  a  chop  at  the  King's 

^  y  is  necessity  like  an  ignorant  solicitor?— Because 
It  kno  law. 

Why  is  a  rhinoceros  Tike  a  moderate  tippler?— Be- 
cause he's  ontent  with  a  single  horn. 

Why  is  an Sonest  man  like  a  carpenter? — Because  he 
is  a  PLAIN  deaip^ 

What  smells  mgt  in  a  chemist's  shop?— The  nose. 

Why  is  a  parson  tithing  in  the  river  in  Paris  like  a 
madman? — He  is  in  hj^iNS  (insane). 

Why  may  architects  accounted  sluggards?— They 
are  partial  to  the  pillar  pillow). 

Why  is  snuff  like  a  pair  of  spectacles? — Because  it 
improves  the  eyesight. 

Why  are  bad  servants  like  th>  waves  of  the  sea  on  a 
lee  shore? — They  are  great  breakers. 

Why  does  a  spoon  reclining  in  a  tup  of  tea  resemble 
a  handsome  young  lady? — Because  it'^  in  tea  resting 
(interesting). 

Who  may  marry  many  a  wife  and  yet  live  single  all 
his  life? — A  clergyman. 

When  is  a  pugilist  like  an  animal  with  four  hands?—- 
When  he  doubles  his  fists. 


78  RIDDLES. 
Why  does  a  donkey  prefer  thistles  to  corn?— Becaup 

he's  AN  ASS. 

Why  was  Hamlet  so  courf^geons  in  addressip 
father's  ghost?— Because  he  was  not  particu^^  ^ 

SHADE. 

Why  is  a  solar  eclipse  like  a  woman  w^ippi^g  ^er 
boy? — Because  it's  a  hiding  of  the  sun. 

When  do  butchers  rob  themselves?  ^^en  they  steel 

(steal)  their  own  knives. 

Why  is  a  man  that  fails  in  kissin^a  lady  like  a  ship- 
wrecked fisherman? — Because  he  -^^  lost  his  smack. 

Why  should  a  man  never  ^arry  a  woman  named 
Ellen? — Because  by  so  doin^       rings  his  own  (K) 

NELL. 

When  would  iron  do  to^ake  sausages  of? — When  it 
is  PiG-iron. 

Why  is  it  that  ladie^  are  so  changeable  with  respect 
to  their  sweetheart? — They  are  always  wishing  to 
altar  (alter)  them 

Why  is  an  intfresting  book  like  a  toper's  nose? — Be- 
cause it  is  rea:>  (red)  to  the  very  end. 

Why  is  a  quiet  conscience  like  a  fit  of  indigestion?— 
It  is  the  fruit  of  good  living. 

What  makes  everybody  sick  but  those  who  swallow 
it?— Flattery. 

What  is  most  Uka  a  horse's  shoe  ?— A  mare's  shoe< 


RIDDLES,  79 

^MiT  is  a  postman  in  danger  of  losing  his  way? — Be- 
^^>e  lie  is  guided  by  the  direction  of  strangers. 

"^^ -^-h  newspapers  are  like  delicate  children? — All 
those  ti.^       weekly  (weakly\ 

tallow-chandler  easily  cool  himself  in  the 
heignt  of  ^w^nierr — He  can  always  have  a  dip  on  a 
meltmg  day. 

VThy  IS  the  ov,.i.-^^^-]_  ^^-^  jj^]^^  ^  carrot? — Because  its 
root  I  route"/  is  a  Icq-  one. 

TVhen  is  a  baggag^^-^gon  like  a  forest?— TVhen  it  is 
full  of  trunks. 

^y  is  a  nervous  lau- lii^e  a  policeman?— Because 
her  mind  is  filled  with  ap^ehensions. 

TThat  young  ladies  are  mo^  Hkelv  to  become  thieves? 
—Those  who  take  to  steel  (ste^p,  buttons. 

(ioes    a    duck  go  undvp  ^vate^?— For  divers 
(diver'sj  reasons. 

^Vhy  does  she  come  up  out  of  lu^  water?- For  sun 
dry  reasons. 

What  is  that  which  nobody  likes  to  hav?  or  to  lose?— 
A  lawsuit. 

How  can  a  boy  make  his  jacket  last  ?— By  m-^king  his 
coat  and  vest. 

^en  is  leather  like  rust?— TVhen  it's  an  ox  hide 
(oxidej, 


8o  MIDDLES, 

Why  was  the  sculptor  Power  a  great  swindler? — P' 
cause  he  chiselled  the  Greek  slave  out  of  her  clothe 

What  are  the  best  fields  for  dancing  in?— 
fields. 

Why  is  a  whisper  like  a  forged  note? — J  uttered 
but  not  allowed  (aloud). 

Why  is  a  sharp  lawyer  like  a  man  wV  cannot  sleep? 
—He  lies  first  on  one  side,  and  then  other;  and 

is  wide  awake  all  the  time. 

How  is  punctuality  immateria- — 1^  ^^^^ 
business. 

"Why  is  lying  like  a  ragged  ^oat?— It  is  a  bad  habit. 

Why  is  absence  like  a  pa^"  of  bellows?— It  strength- 
ens a  strong  flame  and  ex^nguishes  a  weak  one. 

What  is  less  than  a  -kite's  mouth?— That  which  goes 
in  it. 

When  is  love  deformed?— When  it's  all  on  one  side. 

How  many  wi-^s  does  the  marriage  service  allow?— 
Sixteen,  four  (lor)  better,  four  (for)  worse,  four  (for) 
richer,  four  {fox)  poorer! 

When  miy  a  ship  at  sea  be  said  not  to  be  on  water? — 
When  she  is  on  fire. 

W2iy  is  a  cigar-loving  man  exactly  like  a  tallow 
candle?— Because  he  will  smoke  when  he  is  going  out. 

WJien  ia  a  ship  not  a  ship?— TVTien  she  is  a-building. 


RIDDLES.  8i 

Why  is  an  almanac  simply  advice  thrown  away? — Be- 
cause it  comes  ra  at  one  year  (ear)  and  goes  out  at  the 
other. 

Why  may  elephants  be  considered  instrumental  to  the 
ruin  of  many  families? — Because  their  teeth  make  dice. 

Why  is  the  alphabet  like  the  mail? — Because  it  con- 
sists of  letters. 

Why  is  a  young  lady  who  has  deserted  her  lorer  like 
an  arrow  just  shot  off? — Because  she  has  left  her  beau 
(bow). 

Why  is  a  man  knocking  at  a  door  like  the  instrument 
which  he  uses  to  demand  admittance? — Because  he  is  a 
KKOCitEK  at  the  door. 

"WHiy  are  park  railings  like  a  lady's  corset? — Because 
they  confine  a  little  deer  (dear). 

Why  is  a  weak  crutch  like  a  candlestick?— Because  it 
is  a  LIGHT  supporter. 

Why  is  a  committee  of  inquiry  like  a  cannon?— Be- 
cause it  makes  a  report. 

"VMiy  is  an  advertising  tradesman  like  a  man  out  of 
breath? — Because  he  puffs. 

"\Yhen  is  a  bill  like  an  old,  repaired  chair?— When  it 
is  receipted  (re-seated). 

What  animals  are  the  greatest  gamblers? — Sheep. 
Because  they  gambol  in  their  youth,  and  the  best  ©f 
them  are  black  legs. 


82  RIDDLES. 

If  a  tough  beef-steak  could  spenk  what  English  poet 
would  it  name? — Chaucer  (Chaw,  Sir). 

What  is  that  which  never  flies  but  when  its  wings  are 
broken? — An  army. 

Why  is  a  beggar  like  an  attorney? — Because  he  is  a 
solicitor. 

Why  is  the  Mississippi  a  lazy  river? — Because  it  lies 
in  BED  day  and  night. 

Though  I  dance  at  a  ball  yet  I'm  nothing  at  all.  What 
am  I? — A  shadow. 

Why  is  death  like  a  man  breaking  your  windows? — 
He  puts  an  end  to  your  pains  (panes). 

What  sort  of  a  countenance  should  an  auctioneer 
tave? — One  that  is  for-bidding. 

When  is  a  man  not  a  man? — When  he  is  a-shaving. 

Why  are  pretty  girls  like  fireworks? — ^They  soon  '*go 

Why  is  a  coarse  sieve  like  this  book? — Because  it  is 
full  of  riddles. 

Why  is  the  sound  of  a  bell  like  a  circle  of  gold^ — Be- 
cause  it  is  a  ring? 

When  is  the  moon  like  a  dollar  fresh  from  the  mint? 
— When  it  is  new  and  bright. 

Why  is  a  court  of  justice  like  a  draught  of  fishes?—' 
Because  it  is  a  haul  (hall). 


RIDDLES.  S3 

What  interjection  is  like  the  first  boat  ever  made?— 
Hark  I  (ark). 

What  is  the  centre  of  gravity? — The  letter  Y. 

What  window  in  your  house  is  like  the  planet  Venus? 
—The  skylight. 

Which  part  of  a  tea-urn  resembles  a  man  at  dinner?^ 
The  heater  (eater). 

When  is  a  sailor  not  a  sailor?— ^^Tien  he  is  a-board. 

When  is  a  wager  like  a  unit? — When  it  is  won 
(one). 

What  part  of  a  ragged  shirt  resembles  the  Pope's 

title? — Its  HOLINESS. 

Kame  me  and  you  destroy  me. — Silence. 

Why  is  it  absurd  to  ask  a  pretty  girl  to  be  candid? — 
Because,  however  frank,  she  cannot  be  plain. 

What  weed  is  most  like  a  rent  in  a  garment? — A  tare. 

Which  is  the  smallest  bridge  in  the  world? — The 
bridge  of  your  nose. 

"^Miat  is  that,  although  black  itself,  yet  enlightens 
the  whole  world? — Ink. 

At  what  time  of  life  may  a  man  be  properly  said  to 
be  a  vegetable? — At  seventy,  because  long  experience 
makes  him  sage. 

When  you  listen  to  the  sound  of  a  drum,  why  are  you 
like  a  just  judge? — Because  you  hear  both  sidess 


84  RIDDLES. 

Why  is  the  winner  of  a  race  like  the  letter  A? — Be- 
cause he  is  FIK8T. 

Why  is  the  word  lilies  like  a  man's  face? — Because  it 
has  two  I's  (eyes). 

Why  is  a  melancholy  young  lady  the  pleasantest  of 
all  companions? — Because  she  is  always  a-musing. 

Can  a  leopard  change  his  spots? — Yes;  when  he  is 
tired  of  one  spot  he  can  go  to  another. 

Why  is  a  coward  like  a  leaky  barrel?— Because  they 

both  RUN. 

Why  should  a  carriage  wheel  be  fatigued? — Because 
it  is  always  tired. 

Why  are  fish  in  a  thriving  state  like  fish  made  to  imi- 
tate them? — Because  they  are  he  arty-fish- all  (arti- 
ficial). 

What  is  that  which  never  asks  questions  yet  requires 
many  answers? — A  door-knocker. 

What  is  that  which  goes  up  the  hill  and  down  the 
hill  and  spite  of  all  yet  standeth  still? — The  road. 

Whose  profession  is  at  once  the  hardest  and  the 
easiest? — The  musician's,  because  he  works  when  he 
plays  and  plays  when  he  works. 

Why  is  a  candle  nearly  burnt  out  like  a  certain  county 
in  Ireland? — Because  it  is  Wick-low. 

Why  is  a  man  and  woman  joined  in  wedlock  like  a 
-jyell-known  fruit? — Because  they  are  a  pair  (pear). 


RIDDLES, 


8S 


Why  is  a  man  seeking  tlie  company  of  conspirators 
like  another  going  through  a  field  where  there  are  tall 
trees  growing? — Because  he  is  going  where  there  is 
high  trees  on  (treason). 

Why  is  the  letter  D  like  a  wedding  ring?— .Because 

WE  cannot  be  wed  without  it. 

Why  is  a  riddle  which  is  very  clearly  discovered  like 
a  letter  written  by  a  child  to  its  mother? — Because  it's 
TOO  APrAREXT  (to  a  parent). 

Why  is  a  bad  lock  like  a  basket  of  wine? — Because 
it's  hampered. 

Why  when  you  look  at  a  miser's  dinner  are  you  nearly 
blind? — Because  you  can  only  see  a  little  bit. 

Why  is  the  foundation  of  a  leg  of  mutton  like  a  great 
general? — Because  it  is  a  bony  part.  (Bonaparte). 

When  is  a  door  more  than  itself? — When  it  is  to 
(two). 

Why  arc  crows  the  wisest  of  birds? — Because  they 
never  complain  without  cause  (caws). 

Why  is  a  lecture  on  board  a  ship  like  a  young  lady's 
necklace? — Because  it  is  a  decoration  (deck-oration). 

Why  is  a  neglected  damsel  like  a  fire  which  has  gone 
out? — Because  she  has  not  a  spark  left. 

Why  is  a  plum-cake  like  the  ocean? — Because  it  con- 
tains many  currants  (currents). 


86  RIDDLES. 

Why  is  a  man  wearing  a  hat  not  paid  for  like  a  bank- 
rupt?— Because  he  is  over  head  and  ears  iu'debt. 

Why  is  a  widow  like  a  gardener? — Because  she  tries 
to  get  rid  of  her  weeds. 

What  is  the  worst  kind  of  fare  a  man  can  live  on? — 
Warfare. 

Why  is  a  policeman  like  a  mill  horse? — Because  he 
goes  his  ROUNDS. 

Why  is  love  like  a  duck's  foot? — Because  it  is  o-ften 
hidden  in  the  breast. 

Why  is  the  telegraph  like  a  musical  director? — Be- 
cause it  beats  time. 

What  is  the  greatest  stand  ever  made  for  civilization? 
The  ink-stand. 

Why  does  marriage  resemble  strength?^ — "  Union  is 
Strength!  " 

Why  is  a  loaf  which  has  fallen  overboard  like  a  lob- 
ster?— Because  it  is  bred  (bread)  in  the  sea. 

Why  have  domestic  fowls  no  future  state  of  existence? 
Because  they  have  their  next  world  (necks  twirled)  in 
this. 

Why  is  a  valet  assisting  his  master  at  his  toilet  like 
one  person  speaking  to  another? — Because  he  is  A 
DRESSING  HIM  (addressing  him). 

Why  are  blind  persons  the  most  likely  to  be  com- 
passionate?— Because  they  feel  for  other  persons* 


RIDDLES.  87 

When  is  a  widow  like  a  half  ruinous  house? — When 
she  wants  to  be  re-paired. 

Why  do  officers  on  parade  evince  a  particular  for- 
giving disposition?  Because  they  are  fdendly  as  soon 
as  they  fall  out. 

Why  are  noisy  people  at  a  public  tiieeeing  like  sput- 
tering candles? — Because  they  oaiy  vieaSk!  to  be  nuis- 
ances when  they  are  put  out^ 

Why  is  a  reporter  like  a  lorgei  ?  -  Hecause  he  makes 

NOTES. 

Why  is  a  man  approachiag  a  ratd^.e  like  another 
about  to  get  oU  his  hc^vse?  beer  at'f  ae  is  •^oing  to  A 
LIGHT  (alight). 

What  General  is  most  j^revaJer.t,  -"auses  most  distress, 
and  spreads  most  dismay ' — General  Want. 

What  heathen  deicy  wo  lid  boxer  name  when  ask- 
ing another  to  secona  him  ? — Bacchus  (Back-us). 

Why  is  a  person  wirh  an  asthma  like  a  money  chest? 
Because  he's  a  cougheh  (coffer). 

Why  is  an  honest  man  like  barley  sugar? — Because 
he  is  CANDID  (candied). 

Why  is  wedlock  like  a  pecuniary  affair? — Because  it 
is  a  MATRIMONY  (a  matter  o'money). 

If  a  church  be  on  fire  why  does  the  organ  run  the 
least  possible  chance  of  escape? — Because  the  engine 
cannot  play  upon  it. 


88  RlbDLE^, 

Why  is  a  fellow  without  whiskers  or  mustachios  like 
an  impudent  man  ? — Because  he  is  bare-faced. 

Why  is  a  man  sitting  quietly  by  himself  like  money 
which  is  borrowed? — Because  he  is  alone  (a  loan). 

What  letter  is  that  which  is  always  repeated  in 
America? — The  letter  A. 

How  do  we  know  that  time  is  money? — Because  we 
generally  find  it  easy  to  spend  an  eveniDg  in  good  com- 
pany. 

Why  is  a  sailor  the  most  learned  person  as  to  what 
occurs  on  the  other  side  of  the  moon? — Because  he  has 
been  to  see  (sea). 

Why  are  persons  born  blind  unfit  to  be  carpenters? 
•—Because  they  never  saw. 

"Wliat  four  letters  would  frighten  a  thief? — 0  I  C  U 
(Oh,  I  sec  you). 

"When  is  a  sailor  not  a  sailor? — When  he  is  a-board. 

VvTiy  is  an  old  lady's  cap  the  most  economical  article 
of  human  clothing? — Because  she  never  wears  it  out. 

Why  does  a  man  go  into  the  law,  remain  in  the  law, 
and  go  out  of  the  law? — He  goes  into  the  law  to  get 
ON ;  he  remains  in  the  law  to  get  oner  ;  he  retires  from 
the  law  to  get  onest. 

When  is  a  soldier  not  a  soldier? — When  he  is  mus- 
tered. 

What  is  most  like  a  cat's  tail? — A  kitten's  taiL 


RIDDLES. 


89 


If  a  £yentleraan  desires  his  daughter  to  take  wine,  the 
name  of  what  country  would  he  use? — Port-you-gal? 

What  portion  of  the  Mediterranean  is  the  common 
chord  of  music  like? — A,  G,  and  C  (^gean  Sea). 

"\Yhat  does  a  cat  possess  which  no  other  animal  has? — 
Kittens. 

Who  first  introduced  walking-sticks? — Eve,  when  she 
presented  Adam  with  a  little  Cain. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  baby  and  a  pair  of 
boots? — One  is  what  I  was,  the  other  what  I  wear. 

If  a  man  met  a  crying  pig  what  animal  would  he  call 
him? — Pork  you  p^ne  (porcupine). 

^Yhat  word  becomes  shorter  by  adding  a  syllable? — 
Short. 

If  a  stupid  fellow  is  goinrr  up  for  competitive  exami- 
nation why  should  he  study  the  letter  P? — Because  P 
makes  ass  Pass. 

"Why  is  I,  of  all  the  vowels,  the  most  likely  to  get  to 
heaven? — Because  E  is  in  hell  and  all  the  rest  are  in 
purgatory. 

ATith  what  two  animals  do  you  always  go  to  bed? — 
Two  calves. 

Why  is  a  naughty  boy  like  a  penny  postage-stamp? — 
Because  you  lick  and  place  it  in  the  corner. 

Which  of  the  animals  took  the  most  into  the  ark?— 
The  elephant,  for  he  carried  his  trunk. 


CHARADES. 


Charades  are  probably  of  Italian  origin,  deriving 
their  name  from  the  word  "  schiarare, "  to  unravel,  to 
elucidate,  to  clear  up. 

The  answer  to  a  charade  consists  of  a  w^ord  of  two  or 
more  syllables,  each  having  a  separate  meaning,  which 
is  described  enigmatically ;  and  then  the  several  ideas 
evolved  in  the  first  and  following  terms  are  combined 
in  the  whole. 


On  the  margin  of  the  desert, 

In  my  first,  the  camels  lay, 
Waiting  for  the  heavy  burdens 

Borne  by  them  day  after  day. 
Tis  said  in  the  olden  times 

'Neath  the  light  of  midnight  moon, 
Rode  my  second  on  their  broomsticks, 

Or  were  hung  up  high  at  noon. 
Where  the  brimming  river  rushes 

By  a  pleasant,  woodland  grove — 
There  we  ate  my  whole,  then  onward 

Down  the  banks  far  did  we  rove. 

Answer— Sandwiches  (Sand-witches). 


CHARADES,  91 

FiEST  is  what  all  do  after  sleeping,  my  seco^'d  is 
a  plot  of  ground,  my  whole  a  town  in  ]^Iassacliu- 
setts. 

Ajtswer — Wake-field. 
My  FinsT  is  an  important  portion  of  tlie  liuman 
body,  my  secoisD  a  collection  of  water,  my  whole  an 
English  town. 

A^sSWER — Liver-pool. 
My  FEST  is  an  article  of  furniture,  my  second  where 
my  baby  sleeps,  my  whole  a  town  in  England. 

Ajxswek — Pres-cot. 
I  made  up  my  mind  to  seco:xd  my  first, 
And  my  whole  from  the  dealer  received; 
But  I  found  that  my  secokd 
Was  too  long  for  my  first, 
And  returned  my  whole  to  the  maker  deceived. 

Axsvn'er — Picture-frame. 
Oh,  no,  says  my  first,  'tis  so  warm  anvi  hot, 
I  really  can't  put  on  my  second, 
Tho'  'tis  quite  an  age  I've  been  in  my  whole, 
I  still  very  pretty  am  reckoned. 

Answer — Widow-hood. 
My  first  is  the  product  of  my  second,  and  my 
•whole  is  pleasant  to  romp  in. 

Answer — Hay -field. 
A  conveyance  is  my  frst. 

My  SECOND  we  love  dearly. 
My  WHOLE  is  trampled  under  foot, 
And  often  flogged  severely. 

Answer — Car-pet 


01 


CHARADES, 


In  winter's  time  my  first  is  seen, 

When  the  weather  is  very  cold ; 

And  is  formed  into  my  second 

By  children  young  and  old. 

And  if  my  whole  you  wish  to  find, 

My  FIRST  aud  second  must  be  combined ; 

And  then  by  looking  you  will  see, 

A  winter  favorite  in  me. 

Answer — Snow-ball. 

Take  half  of  what  is  needful  for  the  dead. 
What  helps  physicians  to  their  daily  bread ; 
Join  these  together,  bright  and  clear. 
And  drink  for  breakfast  without  fear. 

Answer — Cof-fee. 

I'm  found  in  nearly  all  sorts  of  houses,  and  am  patron- 
ized alike  by  young  and  old,  male  and  female,  gentle 
and  simple.  Of  my  first  is  made  my  second,  and  my 
SECOND  backs  my  first,  and  my  whole  is  used  to 
keep  my  first  in  order. 

Answer — Hair-brush. 

My  first  receives,  but  never  tells 

The  secret  of  a  friend ; 
My  second  does  upon  my  first 

For  its  success  depend. 
My  whole  with  pain  the  fair  admit, 
Yet  giadly  to  receive  it  sit ; 
And  whilst  they  cringe  with  pain  and  fright, 
They  hail  my  beauty  with  delight. 

Answer — ^Ear-ring. 


CHARADES. 


93 


Deep  in  my  first  my  second  lies, 

Unseen  by  mortal  eyes, 
Rough  and  unknown ;  yet  when  brought  fortb. 

'Tis  deemed  a  noble  prize. 
There's  robbers  in  the  house,  you  say? 

Then  shut  the  doors  each  one, 
And  bar  each  window  firm  and  fast; 

"We'll  keep  them  safe  till  dawn. 
The  morning  came,  loud  was  the  wail, 

And  sad,  sad  was  the  sight : 
The  robbers  had  by  whole  escaped, 

And  bolted  through  the  night. 

Akswer — Strata-gem. 

Jem  Jenkinson  waited  on  Brown, 

To  ask  for  the  hand  of  his  daughter; 
He  held  a  snug  berth  in  the  town, 

And  felt  pretty  sure  he  had  caught  her. 
But  queer  are  the  fortunes  of  love, 

And  Jem's  was  one  of  the  worst ; 
For  Brown,  in  my  second,  most  unlike  a  dove, 

Right  speedily  showed  him  my  first. 
Our  hero,  abashed  and  confounded. 

Lost  over  his  feelings  control. 
And  hurrying  home  deeply  wounded, 

Spoke  of  it  when  there  as  my  whole. 

Answer — Out-rage. 


My  FIRST  is  a  vehicle,  my  second  is  a  preposition,  my 
tthole  is  part  of  a  ship. 

Answer— Cab-in. 


94  CHARADES. 

My  FIRST  is  a  grain,  my  second  is  part  of  a  house, 
my  WHOLE  is  an  English  county. 

ANSYfER — Corn-wall. 

My  FIRST  is  a  liquid,  my  second  is  a  fish,  my  whole 
is  a  whisper. 

Answer — Ink-ling. 

My  eirst  is  formal,  my  second  is  a  flower,  my  whole 
is  a  flower. 

Answer — Prim-rose. 

My  FIRST  is  a  color,  my  second  is  a  workman,  my 
whole  is  a  workman. 

Answer — Black-smith. 

My  FIRST  is  a  human  being,  my  second  is  to  walk, 
my  WHOLE  is  an  Indian  fruit. 

Answer — Man-go. 

My  first  is  to  spoil,  my  second  is  a  vowel,  my 
THIRD  is  a  precious  metal,  my  whole  is  a  flower. 

Answer — Mar-i-gold. 

My  first's  a  precious  stone ; 

My  NEXT  a  well-known  tree ; 
Or  call  my  first  a  fruit, 

The  next  a  thong  will  be. 
Wliichever  way  you  choose 

This  puzzle  to  divide, 
You  still  will  find  my  whole 

A  powder  will  abide. 

Answer — Pearl-ash,  or  Pear-lash, 


CHARADES.  95 

I  Lad  a  dream  of  bygone  years :  I  savr  a  f air-liaired  boy ; 
His  youthful  face  was  beaming  with  a  radiant  smile  of 
joy. 

I  saw  his  young,  yet  manly  form,  within  the  trim 

school-ground. 
And  when  his  soft  sweet  voice  was  heard,  his  playmates 

crowded  round 
And  listened,  with  a  greedy  ear,  as  unto  them  he  told 
Of  glorious  deeds  that  had  been  done  by  patriots  of 

old; 

Of  many  a  hard-contested  field,  of  cities  lost  and  won ; 
And  thus  his  youthful  days  were  spent — heroic  "Wash- 
ington ; 

The  scene  was  changed — it  was  a  plain  empurpled  with 
blood ! 

And  in  that  surging  human  tide — that  wild,  resistless 
flood— 

I  recognized  the  fair-hair'd  boy  in  that  heroic  form 
That  spurred  into  the  very  front  of  that  fierce  battle's 
storm. 

His  manly  voice  came  swelling  forth  in  all  its  clearness 
then, 

In  vain  endeavors  so  to  cheer  those  poor  disheartened 
men ; 

And  when  that  all  seemed  to  be  lost — when  ever}-  hope 

seemed  gone — 
A  ray  still  lingered  in  his  breast — heroic  TTashingtonl 

The  scene  was  changed — I  then  beheld  a  happy,  joyous 
throng 


9^  CHARADES, 

Hailing  with  pride  the  conqueror;  aind  as  he  passed 
along, 

I  recognized  his  form  again:  his  locks  were  whiter 
now — 

The  weight  of  earthly  cares  had  left  their  mark  upon 
his  brow. 

Hark  to  the  trumpet's  brazen  notes !  hark  to  the  thun- 
dering drums  I 

And  every  voice  proclaims  aloud,  "Behold  the  con- 
queror comes?" 

All  through  that  long  and  dreary  whole,  he  still  kept 
toiling  on ; 

Branded  my  first,  brave  as  my  last — heroic  Washing- 
ton! 

Answer — Rebel-lion. 

My  FIRST  is  a  participle,  my  second  is  part  of  your 
dress,  my  third  is  a  letter,  my  fourth  is  used  in  front 
of  houses,  and  my  whole  is  to  examine. 

Answer — ^In-vest-i-gate. 

My  FIRST  is  useful  to  the  earth,  my  second  is  worn 
by  ladies  and  was  also  used  in  war,  and  my  whole  is 
seen  in  the  sky. 

Answer — Eain-bow. 

My  FIRST  is  an  animal,  my  second  is  an  article,  my 
third  should  be  used  every  day,  and  my  whole  is  a 
place  for  the  dead. 

Answer— Cat-a-comb, 


CHARADES.  97 

My  FIRST  is  a  weapon  used  in  war,  my  second  lives 
in  the  sea,  my  whole  is  a  species  of  fish,  found  in  warm 
climates. 

Answer — Sword-fish. 

My  FIRST  is  a  word  meant  to  "hold"  or  "possess," 

'Tis  spelt  with  four  letters  I'm  free  to  confess. 

My  second's  an  instrument  made  to  confine, 

To  give  you  the  key  I  politely  decline. 

My  WHOLE,  when  you  find  it,  will  give  you  the  name 

Of  a  brave  British  hero  distinguished  in  fame. 

Answer— Have-lock. 

My  FIRST  is  never  on, 

And  never  wai-m  my  second. 

By  Jove,  'tis  time  I  was  at  my  whole, 

For  by  the  boy  I'm  beckoned. 

Answer— Office  (Off-ice), 

My  WHOLE  to  him  who  has  my  first, 
Is  indispensable,  I  tell  you. 
He'll  have  to  second  my  first, 
And  FiRHT  my  second  too. 

Answer — Watch-pocket. 

Look  at  my  happy  joyous  first, 
With  my  second  by  her  side; 
'Tis  strange,  but  a  short  time  ago, 
My  first  was  then  my  whole. 

Answer— Brides-maid 


CHARADES. 


At  evening  by  my  whole  you'll  think 
Of  days  gone  by ;  and  never  reckon 
That  by  my  second  my  first  is  made, 
And  by  my  first  my  second. 

Answer — Fire-light, 

My  first  I  may  in  truth  declare — 
It's  name  and  nature  both  is  air ; 
My  second  is  a  perfect  bore, 
Yet  make  sweet  music  evermore; 
My  WHOLE  in  many  a  crowded  street 
Lies  in  its  bed  beneath  your  feet. 

Answer — Gas-pipe. 


ACTING  CHARADES. 


Acting  Chaeades  is  a  very  popular  amusement : 
All  persons  know  how  Charades  are  got  up — old 
clothes,  hats,  shawls,  etc.,  serving  forcostumes;  chairs, 
tables,  etc.,  with  or  without  scenery  and  accessories. 
These  Charades  are  of  various  kinds:  those  performed 
entirely  in  dumb  show  are  called  Pantomime  Charades; 
Acting  Charades,  when  the  speakers  either  study  the 
words  of  their  several  parts,  or  give  them  impromptu; 
and  little  Plays  and  Farces,  Proverbs,  Burlesques,  or 
Dramas.  "We  give  specimens,  though  it  is  by  no  means 
necessary  to  follow  out  our  model  too  strictly.  Clever 
folks  can  make  plays  for  themselves.  In  the  Charade, 
a  word  of  two  or  more  syllables  is  acted,  either  in  pan- 
tomime or  by  dialogue,  each  syllable  forming  a  scene. 
The  players  choose  a  word  or  sentence,  each  part  of 
which  should  have  a  separate  meaning,  and  when  they 
have  played  it  out,  the  audience  guess  its  inteTpretation. 
When  the  Charades  are  short,  new  actors  can  be  se- 
lected from  the  company,  and  at  the  conclusion  the 
word  represented  is  guessed  at  in  the  same  way  as  an 
ordinary  riddle. 

"We  subjoin  a  list  of  words  appropriate  for  either 
Acting  or  Pantomime  Charades: 

Ad(d)-dress.  Arrow-root.  Before-hand. 

A-gin-court.  Back-gammon.  Bell-man. 

Air-gun.  Back-ground.  Break-fast. 

Air-pump.  Balling-tub.  Bride-cake. 

Alarm-bell(e).  Band-box.  Bull-rush. 

Ant-e-lope.  Bank-quet  (wet).  Cab-i-net. 


lOO 


ACTING  CHARADES. 


Cap-rice. 

Cat-call. 

Chap-fallen. 

Club-foot. 

Court-ship. 

Cross-bow. 

Cross-patch. 

(Trumb-cloth, 

Dead-Level. 

Dice-box. 

Dog-ma-tic. 

Dog-rose. 

Draw-bridgCL 

Drop-stone. 

Eye-glass. 

Eye-lash. 

Fag-end. 

Pan-light. 

Fare-well. 

Farm-house. 

Father-in-law. 

Fish-slice. 

Foot-man. 

Foot-pad. 

Free-hold. 

Game-cock. 

Game-keeper. 

Garden-stuff. 

Grand-child. 

Grand-father. 

Hard-ware. 

Heads-man. 

Heir-at-law. 

Heir-loom. 

Horse-chest  nut 

Horse-man-ship. 

I-doIl  (Idol). 


Imp-pas,  I-bell. 

In(n)-different. 

Jack-boots. 

Jack-pudding. 

Jew-ill  (jewel). 

Kid-napper. 

King-craft. 

Lady-bird. 

Lady-day. 

Leap-frog. 

Livery-man. 

Love-apple. 

Mad-cap. 

Make-peace, 

Mar-gate. 

Mar-shall. 

Melting-pot. 

Mend-I-can't 

Milk-maid, 

Miss-under-stand. 

News-monger. 

Night-in-gale. 

Night-shade. 

Novel-ties. 

Out-pour. 

Out-rage. 

Out-side. 

Over-shadow. 

Pack-cloth. 

Pack-thread. 

Paper-maker. 

Pen-man-ship. 

Penny-weight. 

Pen-wiper. 

Pop-gun. 

Powder-box. 

Quarrel-some. 


Quarter-staff. 

Quick-witted. 

Rabbit-warren. 

Rain-bow. 

Rap-sc(a)ullioiL 

Rope-walk. 

Rope-yarn. 

Safe-guard. 

Sail-maker. 

Sauce-box. 

Sweet-bread. 

Sweet-heart. 

Table-talk. 

Tea-board. 

Tell-tale. 

Ten -an -try. 

Tide-water. 

Toll-house. 

Tow-line. 

Up-braid. 

TJp-roar. 

Up-shot. 

Up-start. 

Vat-i-can. 

Waist-coat. 

"Walking-stick. 

War-den. 

Watch-guard. 

Watch-man. 

Water-butt. 

Water-falL 

Way-bill. 

Wheel-bar-row. 

Yoke-fellow. 

Young-ster. 

Youth-ful. 

Zebra-wood* 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 


There  was  an  old  woman  who  always  was  tired, 
She  lived  in  a  house  where  no  help  was  hired ; 
Her  last  words  on  earth  were  :  "  Dear  friends,  I  am 
going 

Where  sweeping  ain't  done,  nor  churning  nor  sewing; 
And  ever}^thing  there  will  be  just  to  my  wishes, 
For  there  they  don't  eat,  there's  no  washing  of  dishes ; 
And  though  there  the  anthems  are  constantly  ringing, 
I,  having  no  voice,  will  get  rid  of  singing. 
Don't  mourn  for  me  now  and  don't  mourn  for  me 
never, 

For  I'm  going  to  do  nothing  for  ever  and  ever. 


Here  lies  the  form  of  my  sweet  love, 
"Who  passed  from  earth  to  realms  above  ; 
She  clipped  the  shell  of  this  earthly  sin, 
And  hatched  herself  a  cherubim. 


Sad  was  her  fate,  she  met  it  thus— 
She  was  run  over  by  a  bus. 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 


ON  JOHN  STRANGE. 

Here  lies  an  honest  lawyer. 
And  that's  strange. 


ON  A  MR.  BUTTON. 

Oh !  Heavens  and  Earth  ;  Oh  !  stars  and  poles ; 
That  graves  should  be  but  button-holes. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  John  Partridge,  who  died  13th 
of  May, 

What,  shoot  a  partridge  in  the  month  of  May  ! 
Call  you  that  sportsmanlike  ?  eh.    Death  ?  eh. 


Here  lies  two  brothers  by  dangers  surrounded 
The  one  was  killed  and  the  other  was  drownded. 


Our  little  Florence  must  be  larger  by  this  time. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  Elizabeth  Fay, 
Her's  gone  away : 

Her  would  if  her  could,  but  her  couldn't  stay. 
She  had  two  bad  kgs  and  a  baddish  cough. 
But  her  legs  it  was  that  carried  her  off. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  John  Mound* 
Lost  at  soa  and  never  found. 


CURIOUS  EIITAPHS. 


This  child  was  run  over  by  a 

Wagon  three  years  old  and  cross-eyed 

With  pantalets  which  never  spoke  afterward. 


The  procession  was  ver)'  fine, 

And  nearly  two  miles  in  length  ; — 

As  was  also  the  prayer  of  Dr.  Perrj^  the  chaplaia. 


She  gently  strode  into  the  dark 
Cave  of  eternal  night,  at  six  and 
A  half  o'clock  in  the  morning. 


IN  A  CHURCH  IN  CHESHIRE. 

Here  lies  I, 
Jonathan  Fry, — 
Killed  by  a  Sky- 
Rocket  in  my  Eye-socket. 


EPITAPH  ON  A  LOCOMOTIVE. 

Collisions  four  or  five  she  bore. 

All  patching  was  in  vam  : 

Long  time  she  rusted, 

And  then  she  busted. 

And  smashed  the  excursion  train. 


Here  lies  the  bodies  of  two  sisters  dear; 
Oac's  buri^  ir,  Irels^nd,  the  o^her  lies  hcr«» 


IQ4 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS, 


FROM  CINCINNATI,  OHIO. 

Here  lies  , 

Who  came  to  this  city  and  died 
For  the  benefit  of  his  health. 


This  is  to  a  poor  tract  peddler  who  sat  down  on  a  can 
of  nitro-glycerine  and  was  blown  '*  sky-high  :" 
To  the  azure  depths  of  the  upper  air. 
His  body  had  flewn,  flewn,  fiewn, 
A  bit  of  him  here  and  a  bit  of  him  there. 
And  over  the  landscape  everywhere, 
It  now  lies  strewn,  strewn,  strewn  ; 
But  his  soul  I  believe  and  am  willing  to  swear. 
Is  grandly  climbing  the  golden  stair, 
To  an  anti-glycerine  clime  ; 
Go  where  they  don't  put  up  in  cans. 


Two  great  physicians  first — 
My  loving  husband  tried, 
To  cure  my  pain — 
In  vain. 

At  last  he  got  a  third. 
And  then — I  died. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  Jonathan  Stout, 
Who  went  in  the  water  and  never  came  out* 
Supposed  \^  be  floating  about. 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 


ON  AN  OXFORD  PIEWOMAN. 

Here,  into  the  dust,  the  mouldering  crust 

Of  Eleanor  Bachelor's  shoven  : 

Well  skilled  in  the  arts  of  custard  and  tarts, 

And  the  lucrative  skill  of  the  oven. 

When  she'd  lived  long  enough,  she  made  her  last  puf! 

A  puff  by  her  husband  much  praised : 

Now  here  she  doth  lie,  to  make  a  dirt  pie, 

In  hopes  that  the  crust  may  be  raised. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  Alexander  Mapherson, 
Who  was  a  very  extraordinary  person : 
He  was  two  yards  high  in  his  stocking  feet. 
And  kept  his  accoutrements  clean  and  neat: 
He  was  slew 

At  the  battle  of  Waterloo  : 

He  was  shot  by  a  bullet. 

Plump  through  his  gullet : 

It  went  in  at  his  throat, 

And  came  out  at  the  back  of  his  coat. 


In  her  life  she  was  a  pattern  to  be  followed  and  hef 
death — Oh !  how  consoling  to  her  friends. 


LINES  ON  A  MAN  NAMED  OWEN  MOOWt. 


Owen  Mocre  has  run  away, 
OwifC  m0r«  than  he  could  pay. 


lo6  CURIOUS  EPITAPHS, 


LINES  ON  AN  EDITOR. 

Here  lies  an  editor, 

Snooks,  if  you  will  I 

In  mercy,  kind  Providence, 

Let  him  lie  still. 

He  lied  for  his  living,  so 

He  lived  while  he  lied. 

When  he  could  not  lie  longer. 

He  lied  down  and  died. 


Here  lies  Sir  John  Guise ; — 
No  one  laughs,  no  one  cries : 
Where  he's  gone,  and  how  he  fares. 
No  one  knows,  and  no  one  cares. 
The  deceased  left  two  infant  daughters — both  girls. 


Here  lies  the  body  of  Lady  O'Looney ;  grand-niece 
of  Burke,  commonly  called  the  sublime.  She  was 
bland,  passionate,  and  deeply  religious;  also  painted  in 
water-colors,  and  sent  several  pictures  to  the  exhibi- 
tion. She  was  own  cousin  to  Lady  Jones,  and  of  such 
is  the  Kingdom  of  Heaven. 


Beneath  this  stone  reposes  one. 
Whom,  when  this  task  of  life  was  done^ 
We  buried  by  the  salt,  salt  sea 
V/hicii  thoroughly  had  pickled  he. 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 


EPITAPH  ON  A  TALKATIVE  OLD  MAID. 

Beneath  this  silent  stone  is  laid, 

A  noisy,  antiquated  maid, 

Who  from  her  cradle  talked  till  death. 

And  ne'er  before  was  out  of  breath. 


Reader,  pass  on  : — don't  waste  your  time 
O'er  bad  biography  and  bitter  rhyme ; 
For  what  I  am,  this  crumbling  clay  insures, 
And  what  I  was  is  no  affair  of  yours. 


She  first  deceased.    He,  for  a  little,  tried 
To  live  without  her ;  liked  it  not,  and  died. 


Here  lies  returned  to  clay 
Miss  Arabella  Young, 
Who  on  the  first  of  May 
Began  to  hold  her  tongue. 


ON  A  SAILOR. 

His  death  which  happened  in  his  berth, 
At  forty  odd  befell : 
Tney  went  and  told  the  sexton,  and 
The  sexton  tolled  the  bell. 


To-day  death  tore  away  from  us,/ar  the  third  tim^ 
our  only  child. 


lo8  CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 

Willie  had  a  purple  monkey  climbing  on  a  yello)» 
stick, 

And  when  he  suctced  the  paint  all  off  it  made  him 
deathly  sick  ; 

And  in  his  latest  hours  he  clasped  that  monkey  in  his 
hand, 

And  bade  good-bye  to  earth  and  went  into  a  better 
land. 

Oh !  no  more  he'll  shoot  his  sister  with  his  little 
wooden  gun. 

And  no  more  he'll  twist  the  pussy's  tail  and  make  her 
howl  for  fun. 

The  pussy's  tail  now  stands  out  straight,  the  gun  is 
laid  aside. 

The  monkey  doesn't  jump  about  since  little  WiHie 
died. 


ON  HUME. 

Beneath  this  round  idea. 
Vulgarly  called  a  tomb. 
Ideas  and  impressions  lie. 
Which  constituted  Hume. 


He  was  young,  he  was  fair. 
But  the  Inguns  raised  his  hair. 


ON  A  CELEBRATED  COOK, 

Peace  to  his  hash«a. 


CURIOUS  EPITAPHS. 


Oh  !  bur}'  Bartholomew  out  in  the  woods, 
In  a  beautiful  hole  in  the  ground, 
Where  the  bumble-bees  buzz,  and  the  wood-peckers 
sing, 

And  the  straddle-bugs  tumble  around. 

So  that,  in  winter,  when  the  snow  and  the  slush 

Have  covered  his  last  little  bed, 

His  brother  Artemus  can  go  out  with  Jane, 

And  visit  the  place  with  his  sled. 


Good  Stories  Written  From  Plays. 


THE  FATAL  WEDDING. 

Written  from  the  famous  play  of  the  eame  name  by  Theo- 
dore Kremer.  It  is  handsomelF  illustrated.  Price,  25  cents. 

ROBERT  EMMET. 

By  GEOBGE  3IOBEHEAD,     200  Fages, 
Illustrated,   Paper  Cover ,  25  cents. 

This  is  one  of  the  best  books  ever  vrriTten  upon  th e  life  and 
storr  o'  love  ■  f  ihe  Irish  PaTiot.  Every  one  that  is  interested 
in  a  story  of  Irish  love  and  sacrifice,  should  read  this  book. 

'V/AY  DOWN  EAST. 
A  Romance  of  New  England  Life. 

By  JOSBPE       GRIHMER.    200  Pages, 
Paper  Cover,  23  cts,    With  six  iliustrations^ 

It  is  a  strong,  pure,  clean,  touching:  s'ory  of  home  life  la 
New  England,  and  bids  fair  to  outrival  "The  Old  Homestead" 
in  public  popularity. 

Vi/HEN  WE  WERE  TWENTY-ONE. 

256  Pages,  with  Eight  full-page  lUustrations 
and  Handsome  Lithograph  Paper  Covers, 
Price,  25  cents. 

This  story  is  written  from  and  founded  upon  the  success- 
ful Piay  of  the  same  ti'le  in  which  Maxino  Elliott  and  Nat 
Goodwin  achisved  such  a  wondertal  success. 

FRANCESGA  DA  RiMINi. 

By  GEORGE  MOBEHEAD,      192  Pages. 
Illustrated^   Paper  Cover,  25  cents. 

This  is  an  intensely  dramatic  love  story,  which  will  interest 
all  readers,  end  the  fact  that  Sarah  Bernhardt  and  Eieanora 
Duse  are  both  ena-aer'^d  as  the  leading  character  in  tiie  piay, 
speaks  for  its  popularity. 

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receipt  of  price.  Address  all  orders  to 

J.  S.  OGILVIE  PUBLISnmO  COMPANY, 
p.  0.  Box  767.     57  BOSS  SXEEST,  NEW  YOEK, 


BLUNDERS 

OP  A 

BASHFUL  riAN. 

By  the  Popular  Author  of  '*A  Bad  Boy's  Biary.'* 

This  is  one  of  the  most  humorous  books  ever  issued, 
and  has  been  pronounced  ^^//<frthan  "A  Bad  Boy's 
Diary."  i2mo,  i6o  pages,  handsomely  illustrated 
from  original  designs,  including  also  the  portrait  and 
autograph  of  * '  The  Bashful  Man. "  Price,  paper  cover, 
25  cents. 

How  the  reading  of  it  affected  One  Young  Lady. 

Marysville,  Mo.,  July  22, 18 — . 

Author  of"  Bashful  Man." 

Dear  Friend — Having  read  your  story  of  the  "  Bashful  Man,"  and 
seeing  the  invitation  at  the  close  of  same,  and  after  studying  the  mat- 
ter over  for  a  short  time,  came  to  the  conclusion  that  I  was  the  very 
girl  for  you;  being  of  good  family  and  an  expert  in  cooking  and  every- 
thing pertaining  to  housework.  I  am  not  an  old  maid  or  anything  of 
that  sort,  but  am  just  in  the  prime  of  life — my  next  birthday  will  be 
nineteen;  I  am  of  medium  height,  and,  if  I  do  say  it  my  se\i,  good  lookittg. 
Now,  wanting  to  get  a  good  husband,  and  thinking  you  would  suit  me, 
I  am  at  your  service.  If  you  think  I  will  do,  just  drop  me  a  few  lines, 
and  I  will  then  tell  further  what  I  can  do.   Till  then  • 

I  remain,  sincerely  yours, 

Anna  t.  H  *  *  *  * 

P.S. — ^Please  wriie  any  way. — Anna. 

The  original  of  the  above  letter  is  on  file  at  the 
office  of  the  Publishers. 

The  book  is  for  sale  by  booksellers  and  newsdealers 
everywhere,  or  it  will  be  mailed  on  receipt  of  25  cents 
W       J.  S.  OGILVIE  PUBLISHING  CO., 
57  Rose  Street,  New  York. 


